The Inner Workings of James Potter
by Anawiel Blackthorn
Summary: Sometimes I think all I'd need to be happy is her. And if I can't have her...? What then? The Wizarding World is a confusing place at the best of times, and this is NOT the best time for my world. LJ, James POV (RS implied but no fluff or details)
1. OWL's & Her

**A/N:**** Yay! Have finally gotten round to re-posting this, cos I like my story, dammit! **

**DISCLAIMER:**** This chapter that I'm using to start the story is taken from 'Snape's Worst Memory' **** in OotP. All I have done is change the view point to James in the first person and added a few thoughts and an ending of my own.  **

The Harry Potter series and merchandise belongs to J.K Rowling, Warner Bros, Bloomsbury, Scholastic, etc. Please do not sue me – I am making no money from this, it's just for a bit of fun. No copyright infringement is intended. 

 "...however, there have been no sightings of Basilisks in Britain for at least four hundred years."

"Five more minutes!"

Flitwick's voice startled me and my full stop after 'years' squiggled down the page, causing me to sigh inwardly. What a fabulous last impression for the examiners: 

"Although James Potter shows remarkable knowledge on the subject of Defence Against The Dark Arts, we, the Wizarding Examinations Authority, cannot possible award him Outstanding as he seems incapable of correctly manoeuvring a quill. In other words, you can stuff all your prospective career options as even Quidditch players need to know how to sign autographs."  

I can see it now, I really can. Bloody hell, I'll be just like Wormtail. How depressing?.

I dropped my quill, almost in disgust at my feeble writing attempts, and pulled the yellowy parchment towards me. I skim read it quickly - it looked okay, I guess - and then relaxed a little with a yawn and running my stiff fingers through my already messy, and slightly sweaty, hair. I cast a glance over my shoulder to see where Flitwick was. At least half way down the aisle by now. Good.

I turned right round in my seat and grinned Sirius who returned my dazzling smile with a thumbs up. Stupid Cassie Amuns was eyeing him up in the seat behind him without much luck. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of Remus looking tired and near him, Peter.

And by Peter...

...was her.

Her.

She was sitting with her long creamy-white legs crossed under the table, her robe skirt just that little bit too far up her thigh that made all my hormones go berserk. Her hair was down today, exactly the way I liked it (not that I would ever tell her that fact). I loved the way the sunlight would hit the ruby waterfall of her hair and shine like the finest red wine as it spilt over her dainty shoulders and swung around her face. I knew that if she only looked for a split second in my direction I would see her strange, entrancing emerald eyes. They were like pools of spring meadow grass, framed with almost oriental almond shaped eyes. 

To put it short, she was the most beautiful thing that had ever graced the hallways of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

While I gazed at her I almost absent-mindedly doodled on some scrap paper -  a snitch and, before I knew it, two initials in the thick black ink.

L.E.

Lily Evans.

AKA  - Her.

Lily, Lily, Lily Evans. Lily...Potter? Yeah right.

"Quills down please! That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect you parchment! _Accio!"_

I ducked as about a hundred and fifty rolls of parchment zoomed overhead and then hastily scribbled out the L.E. This was not something I needed Padfoot teasing me about if it happened to end up in his hands. 

Looking over again at Lily, I heard a thud and a few laughs. Professor Flitwick had been knocked over by the rush of papers and was now being lifted off the floor by two Hufflepuffs.

"Thank you...thank you. Very everybody, you're free to go." panted the professor somewhat ruffled.

I didn't need anymore encouragement. I jumped up, tossing the things on the small desk into my bag and waited for Padfoot.

"Hey there, Prongs - how'd it go for you?" he and I began walking towards the Entrance Hall.

"Meh, okay, I guess," there was no need for me to tell him of my marvellous quill-holding - Sirius would just laugh at me, tell me I was paranoid, "How'd you find it?" I asked as the other two joined us.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius added as we went through the doors.

"Loved it: _Give five signs that identify the werewolf._Excellent question." Remus replied with his serious face, broken only with a twinkle in his brown eyes.

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" I said with my best reassuring-and-concerned-friend voice. 

Moony sighed dramatically, nodding, "Think I did. One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin." Me and Sirius cracked up whilst Peter looked all anxiously up at us.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail, but I couldn't think what else - "

Jaysus, Peter and his stupidity would be the death of me, I was certain. Exasperated I began, "How thick are you, Wormtail? You run round with a werewolf once a month - " before being cut off by Remus - "Keep your voice down."

"Well, I thought the paper was a piece of cake. I'll be surprised if I don't get an 'Outstanding' on it at least." Sirius said cockily. Never one to be out down I added a swift, "Me too." Then reached into my robe pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it."

I didn't have to expand on my reasoning for having a Snitch. Although I was Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. The school had plenty more of them and I was one of those people who always had to have something to fiddle with. In a non-dodgy way, obviously.

We sat down under the large beech tree near the lake. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing Gryffindor girls sat with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water. From where I was sitting I could see Lily.

Every now and then I would release the Snitch before grabbing it back before it went to far. Each grab was met with applause from Wormtail. Quite unnecessary applause I thought, but I loved being appreciated. I was the pinnacle of attention seeker-ness.

Sirius sat for a while looking bored, displaying the air of someone far above the rest of the students milling about on the grass. Only I could see the faint flicker of sadness in his eyes that meant he was thinking of his family, particularly  into the Dark Arts. Remus was reading, as normal. And all the time, Wormtail was screaming over my amazingness and I kept gazing at the lake, or to be more exact, Lily.

"Put that away, will you," said Sirius finally, as I made a fine catch and Peter let out a cheer, "before Wormtail wets himself with excitement." I just smiled at this comment while Peter looked embarrassed.

"If it bothers you," I said, stuffing the Snitch back in my pocket.

"I'm bored. Wish it was the full moon." Sirius said sulkily, glowering at the sky as if to guilt the moon into skipping a week.

"You might," replied Remus from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here.." and he held out his book. But Sirius just snorted.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all -" but I interrupted.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," I said quietly, "Look who it is.." Sirius's head turned to follow my gaze. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.

"Excellent," he said softly. "_Snivellus."_

 Snape had gotten up and was stowing the OWL paper in his bag . As he left the shadow of the bushes and set off across the grass, Sirius and I stood up.

"All right,  Snivellus?" I called loudly, mockingly. The git span round, dropping his bag. He plunged his arm inside his robes and his wand was halfway through the air when I shouted, "_Expelliarmus_!" I was always too quick for him

Snape's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter and then pointed his own wand, "_Impedimenta_!". He was knocked off his feet halfway through a dive towards his own fallen wand.

Some people had gathered round us. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained while Snape lay panting on the ground. We advanced on him, wands raised, I glanced over my shoulder at Lily again. Wormtail was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging round Remus to get a clearer view.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" I asked.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Sirius viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several people watching laughed. Wormtail sniggered shrilly. Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

"You - wait," he panted, staring up at me with an expression of the purest loathing, "you - wait!"

"Wait for what?" said Sirius coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Snape let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wand ten feet away nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth," I said coldly, raising my wand, "_Scourgify_!"

Pink soap bubbles streamed form Snape's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him -

"Leave him ALONE!"

Sirius and I spun round and my free hand went immediately to my hair. 

It was Lily.

"All right, Evans?" I called pleasantly.

"Leave him alone," she repeated. She was staring at me with every sign of great dislike and I prayed, prayed, that the ground would swallow me up there and then. She HATED me. "What's he done to you?" 

I thought for a moment. "Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..." 

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily. Instead she fixed me with an icy stare and I felt my pride evaporate inside me.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone__. "_

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," I replied quickly - too quickly. I couldn't believe I said it. "Go on... go out with me and I'll never lay a wind on old Snivelly again."

Behind me, I knew the Impediment Jinx would be wearing off. Somewhere in the back on my mind I heard Snape spitting out soapsuds.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Sirius briskly , and turned back to Snape. "OI!"

But it was too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at me; there was a flash of light and a sharp pain on my cheek, blood spattered my robes. I whirled about: a second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside-down to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd cheered; Sirius, me and Wormtail roared with laughter.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, "Let him down!"

"Certainly," I said and jerked my wand up, but Sirius said, "_Petrificus Totalus_!" and Snape keeled over again, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE  HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. Me and Sirius eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," I said earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

I sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and muttered the counter-curse.

"There you go," I said, as Snivellus struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus - "

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked.

"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

"Apologise to Evans!" I roared at Snape, my wand pointed threateningly at him. My heart was racing and the blood was pumping through me like crazy. How dare he! How dare he insult her! 

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologise," Lily shouted, rounding on me. "You're as bad as he is."

"What?" I yelped. "I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised you broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

"Evans!" I shouted after her. "Hey, EVANS!"

But she didn't look back.

"What is it with her?" I said, trying and probably failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to me. But the truth was her words had crushed me. She really, really hated me and I really, really didn't hate her.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," said Sirius.

"Right," I said furious, "right -"

There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" I shouted.

A look of horror  crossed Snape's face. Then a look of pure, unadulterated hate. And in my mind I saw Lily's face with that same expression. That look of revulsion that rocked me to the core of my soul.

I stepped back. 

The crowd was heckling, almost baying for blood. A bit of excitement. Sirius and Peter chanted something beside me. 

I looked at the wand in my hand and then up at Severus. Wand, Severus. Wand... Severus. 

I swallowed and turned my back to him and slowly, so very slowly, I walked away.

I walked away from the crowd. Away from Snivellus. Away from my friends. Away from James Potter. The arrogant, bullying toerag. 

As I walked my footsteps became faster. Faster and faster until I broke out into a jog, a run, a full out sprint as I tried desperately to get away from Lily's voice in my head:

"You make me SICK... YOU make me SICK... YOU make ME SICK ... YOU MAKE ME SICK..."


	2. Commonroomwork & Questions

ABOUT TWO YEARS LATER...         

            I don't like homework. 

            Not exactly a dramatic or shocking statement on my part, but all the same, I believe it says a lot about me. Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually likes homework. I don't think even the teachers like it - after  all they have to mark it. 

            You see, I was trying to do some homework. Trying being the main word here. My homework had been set a week ago by our Potions mistress, Miss Scelestra, and was due in the next day. So, there I was, sitting at a table in a suprisingly quiet common room doing my homework, although it is really Miss Scelestra's homework as she set it in the first place. And it's not even homework as I am not at home; as I said I am in the common room. 

            Ok, re-phrase, I was sitting there doing Miss Scelestra's common-room-work.

            By now you can obviously tell I was stalling and rambling - not a great combination. Why was I doing this?, you ask. You see, the longer I sat there, the longer I could stare at this girl in the opposite corner. She's my best friend's other best friend, although it is only a very recent thing. 

            At that moment they were playing chess. 

Together. 

Somehow or other I had never spoken a nice, friendly sentence to this beautiful girl, for that particular reason. She was beautiful and undoubtedly she is still beautiful. Very, very beautiful. And clever and witty and charming and friendly and I could go on forever. But to cut it short, she is perfect. The epitome of perfection in all shapes and forms.

And as she is beautiful I get nervous. And when I get nervous I get arrogant. I know this. But I can't - or possibly, won't - solve this 'problem'.

Of course she didn't see me staring at her. She never saw me at all. To her I was just one of Sirius's 'guy friends'. The guy with the messy black hair who had an ego problem. I don't really have a ego problem (or at least I don't think I do anymore), it's just the way I go whenever she's attempted conversation with me. I'm not very good with girls like that. The last time she tried speaking to me was fifth  year, while I was being an absolute prick to put it frankly. I guess she kinda gave up after that.

            I think I should tell you some important things about me, but I don't like to talk about it really. It's kinda painful in a way. And it embarrasses me. I come from a long line of pureblooded witches and wizards. My family had a very high status in the wizarding world for centuries, highly influential with a great deal of power. That is until sixteen years ago.

            Sixteen years ago my father  was with his wife and three other children in a large country retreat  near the Lake District. They had been enjoying a quiet family Christmas together, doing everything a perfect family did in the festive season. They went carol singing, decorated a large blue pine Christmas tree, wrapped hundreds upon hundreds of presents and spent quality family time together going on long walks and exciting day trips. 

            Then I turned up and completely burst their bubble. My mother carried me in her arms and finally stopped on their large doorstep with me, tucked up in a pale blue shawl. There she presented me to my father  and left. Forever. She did not want to be burdened with me.

            It seems my father was not the wonderful man first appeared to be. He had paid my mother for her love nine months previous, whilst going through a rough-patch with his wife. He had stormed out of his London mansion in a rage. 

            He visited a bar in Knockturn Alley and drank straight vodka for two hours before stumbling out of the building onto the dark street. He had wandered about the Alley before finding himself outside a brothel house where he preceded to take my mother for a mere fifty  sickles.

            So that is what I am - the unwanted result of a intoxicated night. There was no love involved in my conception, just pure greed on both sides. 

            At that time I was little more than an orphan. But my father grudgingly took me in and I have remained with him, his wife - my stepmother Augusta - and my three half siblings, Topaz, Lorenzo and Morgead. All such stuck up, over the top names and me. Plain old James. Not to say they weren't nice people. I adored Topaz, she was the best big sister in the world to me, I don't know how I would've survived without her.  But they were all very good to me through my childhood and I'm beyond grateful, it's just... it never felt right.

            Anyway enough about me.

            I decided to put my Potions away. Hopefully Sirius would help me with it later.  I also decided to go and talk to said Sirius, and maybe if I'm feeling particularly  in control, Lily too.

            As I get up and walk across the crowded common room, I heared a group of Sixth years talking about me. Whispering, 'checking me out'. I don't like that about girls - no matter what people tell you. I was sick of people feeding my ego. Believe me, I would've given a lot to be completely stupid and ugly for one day, just so I could walk places in peace. Did that sound arrogant?  Probably...

            It was also because of the ego-feeding that Lily doesn't like me. It made me stuck up. And two years ago by the lake, I realised that. And I then realised that I didn't want to be like that. I wanted to be happy and being happy means Lily.

            "Hey, Prongsie. How's it going? Enjoying life as the new Head Boy?" Padfoot looked up, sensing me there. He patted the space on the sofa beside him and I flopped down.

            "It's okay, I guess, haven't had to do much so far. Wish Dumbledore had given me some warning, I mean, how is Head Boy supposed to act? Anyway... couldn't give me a hand with Potions when you're done, could you? Only I'm failing completely and I cannot fail my NEWTS or -"

            "One day after graduation, it's adios  and hasta la vista baby. You're not going to spend your life stuck in you're father's home, living off his money whilst he dispises you for having a one-syllable name and bringing down the family's honour. I know, I know." Sirius reeled off the exact words I was about to say.

            "Do I say that too often?" I cringed.

            "It wouldn't be a normal day at Hoggy-Warts if you didn't say it, mate. I would greatly fear for your health and do disturbing things to you with a thermometer." Sirius grinned back and then swore as Lily took his rook with a daring move. I had forgotten she was there. I blushed.

            "So, Lily," I started, not stuttering, not being arrogant, "what're you doing for Christmas this year?"

            She looked up surprised and I got to see her eyes. Like pools of absinthe swirling around her small, dark pupils. 

            "I think I'll probably be staying here, James. You?" she replied, politely, still looking somewhat taken aback after this break from  our mutual muteness.

            "He always stays," Sirius spoke for me. "We both do. Surrogate brothers, see?"

            "Oh." came the timid reaction. "Erm... would you mind if I asked why?"

            Padfoot glanced at me, asking with his eyes. I just shrugged and moved Sirius's bishop myself to take two rather obnoxious pawns that had been blowing raspberries and making obscene hand gestures at his queen.

            "I stay because I cannot stand my family. There're great people, really, they are. And no matter what I say I know I'm very lucky to have them in some ways. It's just I feel like a nuisance to them. Sirius stays because... well... his family are evil. And his house is bloody freezing at this time of the year." I looked at her directly.

            "I go to James's during the summer. Moral support, that kind of thing. And escape from my godforsaken mother." Sirius added, the last sentence uttered under his breath.

            Lily nodded, "Right."

            "Now you've gotta tell us about you're sordid family that persuades to stay at Hogwarts." I leaned forward, grinning. The conversation seemed to be going well.

            Lily gave a ruthful half-smile and shook her head. "Not much to tell really. There're Muggles, as you know," she looked down into her lap as if searching for the words there, "Dumbledore said it was safer for us all if I remained at Hogwarts, what with the attacks and all. Voldemort." She spat out the name, keeping her voice down.

            "You say his name?" I questioned, genuinly interested, and she inclined her head slightly in conformation, "Good for you."

            I knew what she meant. Everyone knew what she meant. Voldemort had been growing steadily in power over the past few years, attacking and killing Muggle-borns and their families. People had even started referring to him as 'You-Know-Who' and stuff like that. Ridiculous, I thought, fearing the name only makes it worse, although to some even a mention of his name terrified them. 

            Sirius tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows, his lips pinched tight together. 

            "What a group we make, eh?" he commented, half to himself. "Well, we'll have fun over the holidays - just about everyone's going home. Even some the Muggleborns. Didn't Dumbledore warn them?"

            "He warned us all, but it was only advisory. Didn't have to, not like he can keep us here under force."

            "He could have a good go though, I expect," I added. 

            After that the conversation more or less tailed off. Lily beat Sirius, hands down and then left to talk to some of the other girls. Sirius and I returned to Potions. We were the only two out of the Marauders who'd decided to continue with it  after OWLS. We needed it if we wanted a chance at being Aurors.

            Anyway, soon, with Sirius's help, Potions was finished and us two settled down to a game of Exploding Snap. 

            After a couple of games and the loss of nearly all my eyebrows, which were now singed leaving the sickening stench of burning hair. Sirius was crap at the game to be blatantly honest. I reckon he did it on purpose, just to irritate  me (who was the only person stupid enough to play against him).

            I got up to leave for bed, "Aw, come on, mate," said Sirius, "Just one more game, eh?" I stopped, sighed and sat down without saying a word. There is no point arguing with ol' Padfoot as he always, always wins. I dunno how he does it, but he seems to possess a natural charm and charisma that makes it impossible to feud with him. Either that or the simple fact he's my best friend and has been for years.

            Sirius shuffled the cards and then spoke, as if just a passing comment, "You've changed, James."

            I nodded. I knew what he meant, but then we had all changed, Padfoot included.

            "I know it, Si."

            "Why?" he asked, still shuffling, though slower now, not really concentrating on them anymore.

            I shrugged, like I always do. "Just... well, because." I replied.

            "Of what?"

            "Things. People. Why does it matter?"

            He was now dealing the cards. "It's not you, Jamesie."

            I boiled. What did he mean 'not me'? How is it not me when it is me being this way? Within me I felt something that had been sitting there, deep inside me for years, all of a sudden snap. Before I knew it I found myself shouting at him.

            "You don't even know who I am, Sirius! I don't even know who I am!"

            And with that I grabbed my cards and slammed them down on the table. There was a huge BANG! as the cards combusted and shards of the table flew across the room. Everyone turned round. Staring at me. Like I was some freak-show.

            "I am sick and tired of people telling me things! Telling who I am and what I should do and why I should be better. I'm sick of it!  SICK!" I stopped short. Lily's words from two years ago rang clear in my ears. "You make me sick." I whispered. "Sick."

            I looked up. And the fled.

            I ran again. Like I always do. 

            I run away from my problems because I cannot handle them and because I cannot share them with others. I cannot trust. 

            Tears stung my eyes. I'd tried so hard to fit in when I'd first arrived at the school. I was cool and confident. Girls wanted me and guys wanted to be me. So why hadn't I been happy? Why was it, no matter how hard I'd tried, I never seemed to 'fit'. Nothing ever felt right. And perfect.

            Why could I not play on with the hand that had been dealt to me? 

            I was a selfish brat. That's why.

            But every time I'd run away, I'd thought about it and slowly I had realised that nothing is ever perfect. No matter how fast or far you ran, the problems stay with you. Yet I still would not except that. After all, I was James Potter. To the rest of the world, I didn't have problems.

            I reached the Astronomy Tower. It was dark and cold. As I climbed onto the battlements that circled the edge I felt the winds icy hands reach out and slap my blanched face onto which salty tears once again threatened to fall.

            I shook myself. i You're seventeen years old, Potter. Get a grip!/i my mind cried. Looking down I saw my hands clenched into tight fists, in my arms you could see the blue veins pushing against taut skin, bulging out unnaturally. Weaving around the scars, however, was my other secret. Thin, purple  slithers of scars, that had begun to form  in place of scabs, that I knew writhed from my shoulder to the base of my palm. Smooth and purposefully done.

            From my pocket I pulled a bashed packet of cigarettes plus a box of matches. Sitting on the low wall, long, lanky legs suspended over the distant ground below the Tower, I dragged a match along the rough box edge. My hand shook slightly as I lit the end on the fag, before I shook the match, obliterating the flame. I took a drag and watched the end glow amber in the winter darkness while I tried to hold the smoke within my mouth. The tar filled air burned my throat when I breathed outwards, settling into a steady routine;  drag, hold and out, drag, hold and out...

            "Tut, tut, tut, James Potter. Head Boy now, remember? You'll smell like an ashtray after that." a voice came from behind me. I didn't recognise it immediately, so turned round to see Lily standing a few feet away from me, hands grasped and entwined before her, looking nervous. Why should she be nervous?

            "Don't matter." I turned away. Drag, hold and out. Drag, hold and out.

              
            "Can I talk to you?" she spoke again. Shouldn't she just leave? Did I look like the kind of person able to have a sensible and civilized conversation with the love of my life at that very moment?

            "What's stopping you, Lilikins?" This time I didn't turn round. 

            To my surprise she simply came over and sat beside me, facing towards the Tower instead of out over the grounds like me. It reminded me of the love seat my mother had at home, where two people could sit facing each other, yet still next to each other, in this way. She held out her hand.

            "Give us a smoke then." 

            I stared, raising a single eyebrow, before passing her the packet.

            "Thought I would smell like an ashtrash if I did that, Miss Head Girl." I commented dryly. Drag, hold and out. Beside me I heard the match flare and then gutter once the white tip was lit.

            "Yeah, well," Lily retorted, "never told you to put it out, did I? Plus I'm over 16 now - it's legal." She tilted her head towards me, raising a similar eyebrow in my face. I smirked and returned my eyes to the Forbidden Forest spread out at the edge of the Hogwart's grounds. 

            For a while we sat in silence. Drag, hold and out. Over and over again, the same rhythmic pattern. Oddly enough, it was a comfortable silence. I never thought silence with Lily could be that way. Easy and nice and oh so simple.

            Eventually, I stubbed out my fag, completely burnt down to the orange paper. Clearing my throat I decided to start proper investigation into why she'd joined me up here. Why, after five years of dislike followed with two years of silence, had she been the only one to come after me. If she had, at any rate.

            "So, Lily," I began slowly, "of all the towers in all of Hogwarts and you had to walk into mine. Care to share the reasoning?"

            She smirked and rolled her eyes. "And what if I don't?"

            "Then I may be forced to push you off this wall onto those painful-looking turret points down there." I gestured towards them, tall, black metal spikes that stretched into the air like warped thin fingers frozen in mid-air, clawing at the midnight sky.

            Lily followed my gaze, a cigarette still hanging limp from the corner of her delicate, rosy lips. "I'm in a good mood tonight," as though that was the end of the conversation without the desire to elaborate any further.

            "And you haven't been in such a mood for the past two years, hmm?" I looked at her out if the corner of my eye. I saw her recoil slightly, casting her emerald orbs of eyes around as if searching for an answer nearby.

            "Two years ago, you were a prick." she replied.

            "But I've changed haven't I?" 

            "I'm not sure if you really have, James." she stubbed out her cigarette next to the ashes of mine. "I mean, what you said in the common room is what made me follow you. I'd spoke to you for the first time in ages and then minutes later you exploded saying how you were sick of pretending to be things. 

"And I guess, I want to know what the real James is like. All I know you as is either a humongus git or a silent wraith of a person, but I liked the James in the common room. You weren't attention seeking or arrogant or painfully shy either. You were... nice."

            "Nice?" 

            "There's no other word I can say really. I've met more charming people, funnier people and more talkative people but you're still nice. Nice is a good thing to be." Lily smiled. The first real smile she'd ever directed towards me. I think.

            "Well... I'm glad you think I'm... nice." I stuttered, butterflies rising from the pit of my stomach as she smiled at me. "You're nice, too."

            She stood up and brushed herself down.

            "Thanks for the smoke," her tone was less friendly now, more business like, "And just so you know, in classes you're still Potter to me and I'm Evans to you. Got that?"

            I frowned. What did she mean? "Got it." I replied.

            Lily nodded and began to walk away back into the tower and return  to the Common room before curfew. Just as she reached the door, she stopped and turned to look at me. Before I knew what she was doing, Lily walked back over to me and stopped looking confused. I raised a questioning eyebrow.

            "Erm... I... um..." she began then sighed, "Goodnight, James." Once again she turned and walked briskly back and into the tower before I could say a word in return. 

            Turning back to the night, I gazed up at the stars sewn onto their rippled blue sky. I was a lovesick teenager who now knew they stood even the slightest glimmer of a chance with the one person they truly desired. All of me seemed to flow away at the feeling. Was it love? Was I in it, whatever 'it' was? I didn't know and I didn't care. Closing my eyes, I whispered my reply, 

            "Sweet dreams, Lily."


	3. Midnight Wanderings & Boxers

            The next few days passed. Sometimes the moments seemed to fly past and sometimes they dragged onwards as seconds became minutes and minutes became hours. 

            Throughout all my lessons I sat quietly, mulling over things in my head. The main thing being Lily. We hadn't spoken since the evening in the Astronomy tower - not a word, a smile or "pass the peas please, Potter". Nothing. Nowt. At points, I half wondered if our conversation had been a mere figment of my overactive imagination. 

            I think the other guys noticed too. Sirius, in particular, seemed to be keeping somewhat of a distance from me. Not in a bad way, just letting me breath, which is all I needed really. 

            On one Thursday evening I had volunteered to tutor some of the Lower School in Transfiguration. Well, actually Remus, had volunteered me. He said it was because I was Head Boy and I needed to be a 'role-model to the younger pupils in the house'. I'm not really the kind who willing spends time with kids. They scare me a bit, although I know I used to be one. It's the way that some of them still believe at eleven that the world is this perfect place where everything is good. It seemed almost sinister to me.  

            "So, you say transforming spells are adapted for cross-species switches, how exactly?"

            "What do you mean you can't pick what animal you are when you become an animagus?! Does the animal reflect your personality at all?"

            Questions were poured down on me from all directions, all trying to catch my whole attention. 

            "OKAY!!!" I shouted eventually. Several of the first and second years recoiled. "PLEASE! JUST...I dunno...LISTEN! Right - one at a time. 

"First years, you have an essay on inanimate objects to complete, all of you sit at that table there. 

"Second years, make a start on your practising - McGonagall said some of the hedgehogs still had pages at the end of your lesson. 

"And Third years, there are some books on  the Animagus over by those armchairs, why don't you start taking some notes? 

"I'll be going round to you all, year by year - okay?" They all stood motionless, glancing nervously at their friends out of the corner of their eyes. 

            I sighed. "Off you go then!" And flapped my hand at them as they all scuttled off to their various corners. I whipped off my glasses and polished them on my shirt. This was going to take a while.

            "Having fun there, Jamesie?" called Remus from across the room, a smirk upon his face. I swear at that moment, I was ready to wring his neck for forcing this horror upon me. I settled for just glaring. Homicide could wait.

            Eventually I got the younger students settled and soon only the sound of quill on parchment could be heard from them, punctuated with the occasional "James, could you help me?"

            "Doing well over here James," Remus strolled over, flopping down onto the small sofa I was lolling on. "Such a people person."

            "Yeah, Rem, that's just so me." I rolled my eyes jokingly and closed my copy of Numerology And Grammatica that was resting on my lap. Lowering my voice to avoid eavesdroppers, I turned to Moony, "All set for tonight?"

            He sighed. Tonight was the full moon, he'd been feeling ill all week and constant moodswings coupled with many PMS jokes from Sirius didn't help matters. Moony nodded sullenly, "Don't wanna." he sulked like a four year old, half-joking. 

            "S'Ok, Moony," I comforted, "The three of us'll be there. We still haven't checked out that hidden lake properly yet. Y'know the one we found last month in the Forest all surrounded by those huge blue-grey pillars. Bet Dumbledore knows what it is."

            "Not as though we can really ask, is it now, Prongs?" Remus let his head rest against the back of the sofa so he was at the perfect angle for me to look right up his nose.

            "Moony, Moony, Moony," I shook my head and tutted sarcastically, "That's why we're going exploring!" I beamed toothily and I saw Remus's face soften and become less serious. Always a better thing. 

            "Sounds good to me. I'll be off now, alright?"

            "I'm sure I'll survive without you Remus." swinging my legs up to where Remus had been sitting and stretching out, all 6ft 3 of me, like some giant cat. And with that, Moony walked off, leaving me once again in the company of nearly twenty preteens.

            Later that night, exhausted, I crawled up to my room. Apart from anything else, I needed sleep. I pulled off my shirt and wrinkled my nose. I stank. Being the complete bloke that I am, I timidly sniffed the armpit of my top. Urgh. Why did I always have to give in to mindless curiosity? Sometimes it was painful being male. All these instincts I couldn't help but act on, like sniffing clothes and scratching 'down-there' and becoming a complete imbecile around girls. I wondered if Lily thought I was too typically... masculine. Probably.

            Sighing, I threw myself into the shower, the hot water rolled off my body in waves. The lack of glasses and the gathering steam in the bathroom made my vision blurred. The thing I love about showers is the way the water seems to wash away all worries like sweat and dirt. It was in these moments, alone in the bathroom, high in the air above a Quidditch field, wandering through the Forbidden Forest under the moon, that I felt most myself. I could think clearly, although I couldn't see as well.

            After a while, I stepped out from behind the novelty Gryffindor shower curtain, Sirius had found in Diagon Alley a while back, I wiped the misty mirror above the sink leaving a trace of water droplets running down the shiny surface. Wrapping a fluffy cream towel around myself, I peered at my reflection in the mirror. 

            Clearish skin. Hairy eyebrows. Hair badly in need of a trim.  Squinting hazelnut eyes. An alright thing to see looking out at you every morning, I guess. I tugged at the lids of my drooping eyes, all set for falling into my warm, four-poster bed and dragging the red velvet curtains tight around me...

            "Oh, Jaaaaaames! Prongsies! Guess what time it is!!!" 

            My head slumped against the tiled wall. I'd completely forgotten. I never forget things, at least not in the space of a few hours. It was Sirius's voice that had screeched into my peace reminding me of the full moon that would soon haunt the night sky.

            "Fine. I'm a-coming." I called in reply.

            "I bet you say that to all the girls," smirked Sirius as I flung myself into the bedroom, still clad in just a towel. I hurled a nearby pillow at Padfoot for that comment. It missed completely and sailed across a hit the lumpy form of Peter asleep on his bed. I hadn't noticed him when I'd come it. Now he made a weird groaning noise and muttered something under his breath.

            "C'mon, Wormtail!" chirped Sirius, leaving me alone to dry myself and pull on a clean white t-shirt that I was sure had shrunk in the wash. Behind me I could hear Padfoot pounce on Peter's bed and being jumping up and down on the springy mattress. 

            "Gerroff! Lemme 'lone! Tired..." mumbled Peter. 

            I pulled on a pair of baggy jeans that fell over my bare feet to the wooden floor. Grabbing my beat-up trainers and slinging a jacket over my shoulders, I strode out the room calling a quick "Hurry up!" to the two others. I ran swiftly down the stairs that led to the boys dormitories  and nearly tripped and fell headlong into the Gryffindor common room. Lily seemed to have appeared right in front of me as I had descended the spiral staircase.

            I regained my footing and offered a quick apology. She just looked at me, one eyebrow slightly raised, suspiciously. Her arms were folded in front of her as she fixed me with a withering stare. Oh, Lordy - what had I done now?

            "It's past curfew, Potter. Where are you going in such a hurry?" she cocked her head to the side like an alsatian debating on whether or not to savagely maul the small creature before it. My eyes widened in panic. 

            "I've got something to do, Lily - " I tried but she just cut me off before I could elaborate any further.

            "No Potter. You have nothing to do except return to your dormitory. Now." She was being so cold to me. I just didn't understand women sometimes. It was as though we'd never spoken civilly on the battlements a few days ago. And, to be honest, it was starting to piss me off.

            "You know what Lily. I don't care. See ya later." And I sprinted off and out of the portrait  hole. Great. Lost a good few Brownie points there. Then the realisation dawned that I'd forgotten my invisibility cloak. I was just about to go back for it, hoping I wouldn't bump into an angry Lily, when Peter and Sirius fell out of the portrait hole with the cloak and our map.

            The map was our own creation. The Marauders Map. It showed all of the school and its grounds and also showed teachers and certain people like Prefects and Slytherin's up on it. This allowed us to dodge and slither around the school relatively undetected. It had taken us nearly a whole school year to get it finished in fourth year, plus a load of research to work out how to conceal it well enough so only us four would know what it was.

            "Honestly, James!" tutted Peter dragging himself up and handing me both the map and the cloak, "How irresponsible of you! And what did you do to Lily, by the way?" Sirius looked up from the floor where he'd landed moments before and joined in, 

            "Yeah, she was stalking around cursing you and kicking stuff. Totally OTT, if you ask me. Did you insult her hair or something else prattish of you?"

            I just glared at him. 

            We made our way, under the cloak, across the school and then pressed gently against a certain stone in a long corridor. The wall sank back and slide to the left, leaving a small opening that we slipped through single-file. Now we were in the passageway, we didn't need the cloak anymore and just kept an eye on the grounds to see if anyone was crossing towards the Whomping Willow.

            Each time we made this journey, the three of us, it always surprised me how long it took to actually reach the roots of the Willow. Nearly ten minutes. Remus would always go on ahead with Madam Pomfrey - no one knew we went with dear old Moony. But someone had to keep him sane during those lonely nights. 

            Although he never told us, it hurt when he changed. And we knew it. We heard it and it would tear at my heartstrings in a way that rarely happened with me. The simple knowledge of his pain killed me.

            We arrived at the swaying, swiping, slashing roots, we seemed to go into a strange sort of autopilot. The cloak and map were tucked away in a small gap in the wall as Wormtail changed. His body slid down into itself, his nose lengthen and became pointed, and his ash blonde hair spread across his shoulders and covered him growing greyer by the second. Me and Sirius stood and waited together, just going through the motions.

            No matter how much Sirius said he liked the full moon, I knew it unnerved him, the whole werewolf thing. It scared him that Remus couldn't hold himself back as he usually could. Remus was always the one in the most control of his actions out of all of us, but the moon changed everything.

            We walked together past the still roots and upto the door of the Shrieking Shack, deep underground. 

            I smiled once at Sirius and we transformed together. James and Sirius were gone leaving behind a large shaggy black dog - Padfoot - and a tall graceful white stag - Prongs.

            Padfoot reached up and pushed the door to the old house open. 

            A low growl announced our arrival and great stomping footsteps overhead. Around us dust fell from the ceiling onto the torn battered furniture below. In my mind I gulped uneasily. This was always the worst part of the evening. Even after nearly three years of full moons, the approach of Remus in wolf form still terrified me. 

            After a minute or so, I saw the glowing yellow eyes at the top of the wide staircase. Remus was crouched down low, as though about to pounce, and slithered down the steps cautiously. He walked forward on light silent paws that left tracks in the thick floor dust. Me and Padfoot bowed our Animagus heads and waited whilst the Wolf, Remus, sniffed at our exposed necks...

            The night air ruffled my fur. It was a weird sensation. The closest human feeling I could think of was as though someone was stroking my stomach and back with gentle cool hands, rippling up and down my spine.

            The four of us walked together under the canopy of the Forbidden Forest, the full moon winking playfully down at us through the odd break in the dense branches. It was how everything should be. 

The four of us together.

The Marauders.  

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

            It was how we spent each full moon, exploring the forest to add to both our own knowledge and that of the Map.

            I don't know how long it took us but soon we reached the glade with the pool I had spoken to Remus about earlier. It had definitely been one of our best finds so far and all of us were quite stumped at how we had never found it before or seen it from the castle.

            Seven great pillars rose high into the sky taller than the tallest tree and all a luminescent pale blue. The columns all surrounded an oval pool, or mini lake, that seemed shallow and free of wildlife and plants.

            Stepping forward to the edge, I looked down to see my animal self reflected up at me, as perfect and unruffled as the face of a mirror.  Sleek white fur covered my muzzle, deep chocolatey eyes framed with black rims on the eyelids that reminded me suspiciously of my glasses and tall, twisting antlers that stretched up high above my snowy head. I loved becoming Prongs.

            Beside me, Moony crept up to the bank and dipped his scraggly front paw into the water. As the ripple moved into the centre of the lake and soft whisper filled the air. 

            It was a human voice and my stag ears couldn't understand it, but Moony went into full Werewolf mode. He growled low in his throat, his hackles raised and saliva streaming down his raw gums. Remus spun round, body low, tail whipping the night breeze as the voice continued to speak always in a whisper with a steady rhythm like a heartbeat. 

            Moony sprung forward. The muscles in his long spindly legs bunched as he loped quietly towards the dark trees that surrounded the clearing. But not a thing moved. Moony rested back on his haunches before following Padfoot, Wormtail resting on his back, out the way we had entered the glade.

            I stood alone there for a while, the voice continued to speak. It seemed as though the voice could reach no further than the trees and that the mutterings were confined to those near the pillars. It was a strange thing to have in a forest, but then again... this was Hogwarts. I made a mental note to return  sometime when we were in our human forms before joining the other three on our way back.

***

            "UP! UP! GET UP ALL OF YOU! NOW!!!"

            A scream broke into my silent sleep and light flooded over my tightly shut eyelids as I heard the hangings around my bed being ripped open. In the bed next to mine Sirius yelled back at the disturbing voice.

            I curled up under the eiderdown, hoping against all hope that if I remained still the shouting might just go away. However, I had no such luck as the eiderdown, sheet and blanket that covered me were promptly torn off my body. I had no choice but to wake up.

            Semi-conscious, I rubbed the sleep dust out of the corner of my eyes and scrabbled on the bedside table for my glasses. As I slipped them on the dormitory around me came in focus and at the foot of my bed, hands on hips, stood Lily, glaring at me, Sirius and Peter.

            "LILY!" I yelped, no doubt going bright red as I lunged for something - anything - to hide myself with. Afterall, I don't exactly sleep in my best; that morning it was nothing except a pair of very baggy black boxers. Finding nothing I settled for holding my right leg up to my chest, bent at the knee, hoping it would hide at least some of me.

            "And just where were you last night?" she demanded, still clutching my bed sheets in one arm. None of us made a sound. "WELL? Any of you going to answer me?"

            "Sorry Lily -" I began but she just marched up to me brandishing my blanket in my face as I recoiled.

            "Sorry?! You're SORRY are you Potter?! Is that all you have to say for yourself? SORRY?!?!?!" She flung her arms out, nearly knocking Peter's head off in the process, "McGonagall came round last night to check everything was in order here - I had to cover for you three! And I didn't have to, you know! Now, McGonagall thinks I might be abusing my power as Head Girl and all you can say is 'Sorry Lily'! WELL IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DO YOU HEAR ME!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HEAD BOY JAMES! GOD KNOWS WHY BUT YOU HAVE RESPOSIBILTIES NOW AND THEY DO NOT INVOLVE YOU GALLAVANTING OFF IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!?!?!?!"

            "Yes Lily," the three of us murmured.

            "Good. Well, starting tomorrow if any of you step one foot out of line then you will have me to answer to - understand?"

            "Yes Lily."

            Lily made to leave the room before turning and adding to me, "Oh and,  James, don't hold your leg like that next time - I could see right up your shorts." and then slammed the door behind her. 

            My cheeks burned as Sirius and Peter burst out into hysterical laughter at my tomato-like face. Glancing at the clock (3:30pm) I grabbed my weekend clothes and stormed out leaving the other two still rolling in mirth off their beds. I hurtled down the steps of the boys wing and bid a hasty retreat to the kitchens for a very late lunch.

            The house elves scurried around as I sat at a table in the corner watching. They knew me quite well now and were used to me joining them occasionally to just watch and nibble at a few things. 

            As I absentmindedly chewed on some pasta the kitchen door swung open to reveal Miss Perfect herself. I glared sullenly at the table top as Lily battled against the elves to cross the kitchen and sat down in front of me. I continued to glare at the surface of the table but began wishing I'd thought of something more interesting to stare at.

            "James?"

            "What? Oh, I'm sorry Lily, I didn't notice you there," my voice dripping with sarcasm, "You'll have to speak up a bit. I can't hear you properly unless you scream."

            "James, don't -"

            "Pardon?"

            "James, I'm sorry, okay?"

            "I don't think sorry's good enough - oh, no, wait - that's you." I shovelled more pasta into my mouth and glowered at her.

            "I had to James!"

            I swallowed, "No, Lily, you didn't. You didn't HAVE to do anything. You could've just left it, like any other person would've, but, no! You just have to make it personal, don't you? And, anyway..." here I trailed off and instead averted my gaze to my half eaten bowl of pasta, then muttered, "You didn't have to make that remark about my shorts."

            "Is that what this is all about?" she looked incredulous, "About me seeing up your shorts?"

            "It's more the fact you said you could see up them and that Sirius and Peter will now tease me about that for the rest of my life. From now on if I say anything even jokingly offensive to them they'll just say, 'Well, at least Lily Evans didn't look up my shorts!' "

            "What's so bad about me looking up your shorts? I mean, there are worse people, right?" Her face seemed so worried all of a sudden.

            "I don't mind...er, I mean," catching myself and burying my head in my hands, "I...erm, mean, erm... yeah," I finished, "yeah, there are many worse people, I guess..."

            Lily looked jubilant and I couldn't help but grin cheekily up at her. "So, Evans, like what you see?" I said slyly, expecting her to blush madly and stammer something to me. But I was mistaken.

            "So what if I did, Potter?"

            My jaw dropped. Literally. Lily even leaned across the table and pushed my mouth shut. 'Wow, Lily should not lean like that' came a small voice in my head. 

            Although I was slightly ruffled an idea had begun to form in my head to get Sirius back.

            "Y'know Lily. I might have a way for you to make this up to me."

            "Really? Sure, I'll do anything!"

            "Anything?"

            "Fire away."

            "Okay, all you have to do is..." and I leaned closer and began to whisper in her ear.


	4. Moving Stairs & Rumours

         Whispers followed me all week. In the Great Hall, whilst walking between lessons, in the common room each evening and during lessons.

         Numerous girls would call out to me, in silly high super girly voices - "Hey James! How you doing?" Even several guys came up to me and said in low voices, "Y'know, I don't know what it is about you Potter, but stay AWAY from my girlfriend..."

         Basically mine and Lily's plan was working amazingly well and by Friday lunchtime when I saw Sirius marching into the Great Hall, bright red and seething, I knew that everything had worked out perfectly.

         "James Potter! Remind me again why, exactly, I am your friend?" Sirius slumped down into a seat opposite me and started spooning mashed potatoes onto his plate.

         "Why, Padfoot, my dear fellow! What's gotten into you today?" I looked concerned but inside I had a grin a mile wide.

         "Forty-seven times today!" he exclaimed, wielding a sausage in my direction, "Forty-seven times!"

         "What?" I asked, innocently enough, and wiped some gravy off the rim of my plate with my finger.

         "The girls! All of them! Asking these questions about you! Questions, questions, questions...all day! 'You know James Potter don't you Sirius? Tell me what he's like! Does he have a girlfriend? Is it true that he's...equipped?!' Even Tasha's gone off me and started asking about you! Why are you suddenly so special?" Sirius fumed, somehow managing to talk round a mouthful of peas but still spraying blobs of gravy out of his mouth.

         "It's okay Padfoot. Don't worry! It's just the girls seem to have realised that you don't quite have that certain...je ne sais quoi! I do. Simple." I placed my fork and knife neatly together and my plate disappeared and a new one appeared instead.

         "Yeah, well, it won't last..." muttered Sirius darkly, "But, at least Lily Evans didn't look up my shorts!" He smirked, hoping that this might fluster me but I just calmly helped myself to some treacle tart and cream then took a bite.

         Casually, I swallowed and serenely said, "Y'know Sirius, that's not such a bad thing to happen to a guy." And proceeded to wolf my dessert down, my best friend gazing at me confused across the table.

         Before long I was done and bid a quick goodbye to my friend. I hurried out of the Great Hall and made my way to the library. As I came in I was greeted with a glare from the librarian  Madam Pince and I hurriedly delved in between the many shelves of books that gave the room an odd labyrinth-like feel. I spied a flash of auburn behind two large dusty volumes - "The Secret History of Animagi" by Celia Lampoon and "Wandless Magic: An Introduction" by Prof. Mildred Darshive.

         "What's up pigtails?" I said, rounding the corner of the library stacks and gently tugging one of Lily's plaits. She grinned up at me as I settled myself in one of the high back chairs at her table. "Sirius is going berserk from the rumours! Equipped, am I? You're so complementary and I just thought I'd pop over here to tell you how much I ardently love and admire you, oh sweet Lily-of-the-Valley!"

         "Been reading Jane Austen have we? Muggle literature...very interesting..." Lily grinned knowingly at me. She loved telling people about the Muggle World as she had the distinction of being the only Muggle-born among the Gryffindor seventh years.

         "How do you know she was Muggle?" I questioned, trying to outsmart her once and for all.

         "Because her name isn't on the WWR, stupid." she answered as if this was a simple explanation that anyone would understand. I raised an eyebrow.

         "And the WWR would be...?"

         "The Wizarding Writing Register."

         "I think it may be possible that you know more about the Wizarding world than I do. How scary is that?" I made a mental note to never try to out wit Lily Evans. It seemed an almost impossible feat.

         "I only know the factual things. You probably know loads more that you don't even associate it with the Wizarding world. Afterall, you only know that world. I know this and the Muggle world," She shrugged, "And I think it's hilarious that some of you purebloods don't know what a toaster is."

         "A what?"

         She laughed, showing her pearly white teeth and her emerald eyes twinkling like gems under heavy lashed eyes. A small strand of her hair fell back from behind her ear where it had been tucked and tickled her chin. I smiled, leaned forward and curled her hair back behind her ears before I could stop to hear my mind scream 'Noooooooooooooooooo! Don't do it!!!!'. 

         And I was caught. 

         All I could see were her eyes, sparkling and dazzling, looking straight into my own eyes. Very slowly it seemed my insides melted into my shoes. But then my inner voice reached me.

         "So," I snapped backwards into the armchair, "so, um, what you writing?" She looked at me, her face either surprised or confused I wasn't sure which. Then she glanced down at the parchment in front of her. 

         "Oh, it's Transfiguration. Wish I hadn't taken it now to be honest." She pulled a large open book closer to her, "It says something here about transmigration... I don't get it."

         "It's simple. All this is the theory of moving the soul into a different body," I began, but she still looked confused, "It's like me moving my spirit into your body so I could control it. A bit like the Imperious curse, except it's not a curse and your soul would still be conscious of what was happening."

         "Where would my soul go? To your body?" 

         "No, we'd be the same being although it's quite likely that I'd have more power over what your body did. It's difficult to fit two souls into one vessel and you have to be pretty powerful in the first place to get in." Lily nodded at me. Man, I would've made a good Professor. "Does that help?"

         "Loads. Thanks James."

         "No problem. I'll see ya later Lily," I rose to leave and she began scribbling on the parchment, head bent in earnest study.

         It was weird. I'd only spoken to Lily properly for a week ever since she'd woken me, Sirius and Peter up after our moonlit gambol, but it felt as though we'd been friends for much longer. In a way, I suppose, we had. 

         Lily had always been around in one way or another. We'd shared a lot more than I think both of us realised we had. Our first day, every end of year test, OWL's and now the NEWT's. She had been in nearly all of my classes apart from Care of Magical Creatures - she'd picked Divination instead. The fact that I knew that about her only confirmed my belief. 

         For the past six or seven years I'd known that she was Muggle-born; her birthday was February 13th; she was the best at Charms and dispised History of Magic; her favourite Hogwarts meal was Chilli con Carne; her favourite colour was red; she liked Led Zeppelin (a Muggle band) but hated Sorceress Sammy (the Wizarding world's main female artist); her favourite book was 'Angel Of Diagon' - a Wizarding novel.

         All this I had known, but none of that even began to compare with the way I knew her now, after only a few days.

***

         I was half asleep when the owl post had arrived in the Great Hall on Monday morning. The huge birds had swooped in through the main door, knocking over anyone foolish enough not to dive to the floor whilst entering at the same time. A large greying school owl had flopped down in front of me, upsetting my bowl of cornflakes into my lap. 

         "Scourgify." I had muttered around a large yawn pointing my wand at my trousers and then reached for my letter:

         '_Mr.Potter,___

__

_                  You are required to attend the second official meeting of the Head Boy and Girl this afternoon at 2 O'clock in the Headmaster's office. ___

_I apologise that there has been no meeting until so late in the Autumn term but there have been a few things that I had to see to. ___

_You are excused from all of the afternoon's lessons (1:30pm - 3:30pm) but uniform must be worn for your meeting.___

_The password is 'mint humbug'.___

_I look forward to seeing you then,___

__

_                                    Albus Dumbledore.'_

         "Ah, yes. Head Boy. I remember that," I said blearily. To my right Remus poured a mug of coffee and placed it in my hand, bending my fingers around it into a reasonable grasp. I am not a morning person. "Thanks..." 

         Somehow, by sipping my steaming mug of coffee and running my hand through my hair, I woke up enough to get to our first lesson of the day: Potions. 

         When I arrived I saw Professor Scelestra had written up a seating plan on the blackboard. I had been placed in the middle row on the far left. With Lily. I wanted to jump for joy! A whole half term with Lily Evans! Yay! But, I was still a bit sleepy so just managed a subtle grin to myself.

         I strolled over to the desk and began removing my books, quill and parchment and setting up a large cauldron. Lily sped through the door just a Scelestra was going to call the register and flung herself onto the stool next to mine with a muffled "Hi."

         Scelestra stood up to speak and both Lily and I reached for a quill to take notes. The professor spoke fast and did not wait or repeat for anyone so it was important to get it all done first time.

         "For part of your Potion NEWT you have to produce a joint project with another member of your class. You have been placed with a pupil both in your own house and working at a similar level to you. This is supposed to make it as easy as possible for you to get the best grade within both your abilities out of the project whilst being able to work on it in your own common rooms, without taking up valuable library space.

         "The project subject is up to the both of you to decide on, however, there are some exceptions to this. No Hogwarts student may create a love potion as any part of your project or attempt to make Veritaserum. These potions have strict Ministry guidelines to be followed in their brewing and use and I do not advise you jeopardise your future careers by disobeying this warning.

         "Your project is to be about a transmogrifying potion. You must both record a detailed history of the potion; an analysis of the ingredients and how they affect your chosen potion; brew the potion and obviously write a detailed account on how the potion affects your appearance, behaviour, etc.; include sketches of the morphing process; brew your own transmogrifying potion - it can do anything from give the drinker a beard or change them into an animal.

         "The potion can be as complex or as simple as you like as it is not the quantity of work but the quality that matters most in this project. If any of you wish you may also tie this project into your Transfiguration NEWT - if you are taking it - for extra credit in that subject. 

         "Understand? Good."

         "I'm glad we can use it in Transfiguration. I need as much extra credit as I can get for that!" Lily exclaimed as the class around us started talking  animatedly to their work partners.

         "So, which potion do you wanna do? Any ideas?" I said.

         "Well, now you mention it I do. As we're Head's we have access to the Restricted Section of the library without a teachers consent. I found this. Do you know what it's covered in by the way?" Lily reached down into her bag and pulled out a massive green leathery book. It looked slightly mouldy and tattered. I studied the 'leather' a little closer.

         "It's covered in dragon's hide - it must be ancient. Dragon skin's been banned as a book covering. Only Dark Arts books were ever covered in it though - we can't use this!" I looked up at Lily, mildly pleased for once that I knew something she didn't, "Who knows what might be in here. There are probably restrictions galore on most of these."

         "Ah, okay..." Lily  moved to put the book away, looking rather crushed at my dismissal of her idea, a very good idea it had to be said. I took the book from her.

         "But," I flipped open to the contents page, "there's no harm in asking."

         Lily called Scelestra over and quietly explained our conversation and asked if we could use the book. I handed it to the professor who skimmed through it rapidly before handing it back with a soft smile

         "It's a good book that one. Difficult, but if you think you can manage one of these go ahead. Call if you need anymore help with it - it's what I'm paid to do. Good luck." Professor Scelestra gave us a rare smile and suddenly became my brand new favourite teacher before walking off to talk to Nigel Lovegood who was flailing his arms in the air as though drowning.

         "Great! What's this book called anyway?" I tipped my head to the side to read the spine. Etched in golden letters was the title 'Moste Potente Potions', "Sounds ominous." I murmured as Lily pulled the cover open carefully and we bent over its wavering crunchy first page.

_( Below is taken directly from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Chapter Ten 'The Rogue Bludger' Extract ends at _ *_)___

__

         It was clear from a glance why it belonged in the Restricted Section. Some of the potions had effects almost too gruesome to think about, and there were some very unpleasant illustrations, which included a man who seemed to have been turned inside out and a witch sprouting several extra pairs of arms out of her head. *

         "I think the Polyjuice Potion looks most promising," said Lily when we eventually surfaced from the grotesque throng of pictures, "It would tie in nicely with the idea of... that thing you had to help me with... what was it?"

         "Transmigration," I filled in, "It would be good to do a study on changing matter and changing state."

         "I've got it!" Lily exclaimed, a little louder than perhaps necessary, "We can take a Polyjuice Potion of each other - I become you, you become me, yeah? And then we try and do a transmigration into each others bodies. Not while under Polyjuice obviously, but it'll tie in perfectly and - oh my God! Think of the marks we'd get if we could do it!!!"

         "Lily, Lily," she was getting carried away and I had to clap my hands in her face to shut her up, "Lily, as great as that sounds there is the slight problem in that we're not working on a project in Transfiguration...."

***

         "...you may tie this project in with your Potion NEWT - if you're taking it - for extra credit in that subject..." McGonagall continued to talk but Lily caught my eye.

         "See!" she mouthed with a friendly smirk next to me and then scribbled on a rough sheet of parchment: 'You wanna try my idea then?'          

         I sucked the end of my quill for a moment before dipping it in the ink well in front of me: 'Sure.' 

         And that was that.

***

         At 2 O'clock prompt I was outside Dumbledore's office. The first Head meeting had been at the start of the year where there had basically been a briefing of the responsibilities involved in the position of Head students. To me, all it sounded like was acting the same way the professors did. Just without lessons. We could deal out punishments, add rules, award house points, yadda yadda.

         However, so far I had done very little to exercise my new found power, let alone abuse it or, as Remus had predicted, become corrupted by that power. I'd always thought that the Hufflepuff Prefect, Simon Abbott, would get the position. I hadn't even been a Prefect in the first place!

         Anyway, I said the password and the gargoyle on the wall had sprung to life, opening a door in the wall to reveal a moving staircase. It was heavy grey stone that moved with a slight grumbling sound upwards in a spiral. I looked up from the bottom and saw it reached up to a platform, another floor, about 13 feet above. With some intrepidation I put my right foot onto the nearest step which promptly became a step too far away and it nearly flung me off all together.  

         I glanced around, just in case there was someone in the shadows watching me, ready to burst into fits of giggles at the sight of me attempting to walk up a moving staircase. Dumbledore had some of the strangest ideas...

         On my second try, I took the moving contraption at a run and flung myself at it, eventually grabbing at a step and hauling myself up. I'd succeeded, that time, to land spread-eagle over about four or five of the steps. I pulled myself up, legs shaking slightly, and dusted my robes off with a hand before I reached the summit. 

         In front of me was a large oak door, polished to the extent I could see my face in it, with a brass door knocker.  I knocked twice and the door swung open to reveal Dumbledore and Lily already in the office.

         It was a huge circular room with numerous bay windows at the far end behind the headmasters shiny dark wood desk. The desk itself was covered in all manner of strange objects, as were most of the low tables that scattered the room. The walls were filled with portrait of bygone headmasters and headmistresses most of whom were snoozing gently against their frames or studying Lily with interest.

         "Ah, James!" Dumbledore exclaimed rising from his seat behind the desk, "I see you've tackled the staircase at last!" Lily hid her mouth with one hand, trying to cover the large smile across her face, laughter in her eyes. "I must say I've never seem someone go at it so... Miss Evans, help me out here..."

         "Creatively?" Lily suggested, fresh giggles issuing from her mouth as she spoke. Dumbledore merely smiled at me over the top of his half moon spectacles and motioned for me to take the seat next to Lily. I did, grudgingly.

         "Right, now we're all settled. The reason for this meeting is to start you two with the organisation of the main event the Head Boy and Girl are responsible for. That is, of course, the Seventh Year's Leavers Dance. 

         "The event is shared with the two other Western European schools, Beuxbatons and Durmstrang, and their Head Students each arrange a certain part of the Leavers activities. This year Beuxbatons are running a funfair for the morning and afternoon of the dance, whilst Durmstrang will be providing a small Quidditch tournament the day beforehand. This, as I said, leaves the dance up to the both of you. 

         "The may be themed if you so desire, but you must sort out invitations, dress code, a band, any decorations and a suitable buffet meal or menu between you. In May you will meet with the other four Head Students so as to set the final plans in place. Most importantly you must make this an enjoyable last experience for all the seventh years from each school. I have complete faith in the both of you." He beamed at us both, the familiar twinkle in his periwinkle eyes, "Have you any pressing questions? No? Well, then I will not procrastinate you any longer. Of course I advise you use the Head Students Lounge - I would prefer these plans to remain as secretive as possible, and that includes not telling you friends the second you leave this office." He cast a knowing look in my direction. 

         "Off you go then." And me and Lily bid our goodbyes and left the office, the door closed itself behind us.

         "There's a Head Students Lounge?" I asked Lily. I'd heard nothing about a lounge! Maybe Dumbledore hadn't mentioned it to me.

         "Don't you listen to anything?! Dumbledore told us about it in the first meeting. It's on the second floor behind the tapestry of Merlin. Password's 'phoenix'. Come on, we'll go there now, it's great place!" said Lily, grabbing my arm and pulling me along with her.

         She was right though - it was great place. When you muttered the password the tapestry swung back to reveal a beautiful scarlet door set into the wall with no keyhole or even a handle. You placed you hand in the centre and pushed and it swung open into the room. The room itself was amazing. It had a high vaulted ceiling from which hung a wrought iron chandelier filled with tall white candles. The floor was varnished black wood scattered with thick red and gold rugs. There was a sofa, a chaise longue and quite a few little armchairs. On the walls hung portraits of past Head Students all smiling and waving and quietly talking among themselves.

         "Do we have to get our portrait  done?" I asked Lily, the font of all knowledge.

         "Yep, at the end of the year I think. Look, it must be at the Leavers Dance - they're all dressed up." she pointed at one Head Girl in lilac dress robes with shoulder length blonde hair.

         "Wow, look here're my grandparents!" I said gazing at the portrait. At the bottom on a golden plaque were inscribed two names: 

Daniel Potter (Gryffindor) & Harriet Martin (Slytherin)

1931

         My grandparents smiled down at me with young faces, arms round each others waists. "They first got together in Seventh year, they'd never even spoken before then. Too much house rivalry. But my grandmother's a good lady, doesn't follow the Dark Arts although she was in Slytherin. I think my grandfather might've changed her mind about following that path."

         Lily had stepped over to join me and was studying Daniel Potter.

         "You look so much like your grandfather. It's kinda spooky. Look, his hair even sticks up like yours! Are they still... around?" she asked delicately, eyes still fixed on the picture.

         "Both of them still live and kicking. And all the Potter men look like that, even Lorenzo and Morgead have the Potter hair." I replied moving down the room to more recent Heads. 

         "Are they your brothers?"

         "Half-brothers. I have a half-sister too, Topaz. They're triplets."

         "Half? How come I've never seen them around Hogwarts?" 

         "We have different mothers. And they never got accepted to Hogwarts. They went to Durmstrang, their mothers school."

         "What happened to your mother?" Lily finally asked. The question I had been dreading since getting to know her. It had been hard enough telling Sirius, Remus and Peter, but a girl? No. 

         I shrugged. "I don't know," I answered truefully. I didn't want to know either. If she'd been working in Knockturn Alley I wanted nothing to do with her, the same way she'd wanted nothing to do with me. 

         After that Lily stopped asking questions.

**A/N – Okay, that wasn't really a great chapter, I know. Thank you to:**

**Polkat – Hmmm… Hi! I've already said thank you to you so … right…**

**Craymere – I'm glad you like my James. Isn't he lovely?!  Thank you!**

**kimmie387a() – Aaw! Thank you! I hope you keep reading too!**

**Hwesta – Yay! Another person I know! I thought I said not to read my story…. Hmm, suspiscious! Thank you!!!!**

**PaJamas – Okay, the Chaser thing came from an interview on Scholastic.com with JK Rowling. It was around the time of the 4th book (October 2000, I think) so is a bit dated and also a lot of the questions so you have to search a bit! But one question was "****Which house was Lily Potter in, and what is her maiden name?" so that's how loads of people knew she was called Evans and was a Gryffindor before the 5th book.  The question that answers you… erm… question (!) is "What position did James play on the Gryffindor Quidditch team? Was it seeker like Harry, or something different?" and the answer was he was a Chaser.  So, there you have it! Here's the link if you wanna read the whole interview: **

**Okay, thank you and REVIEW!!!!! **


	5. Sharing & The Festive Season

         Although it may not sound totally believable, but from late September through to mid December - the first main weeks of our real friendship - Lily never seemed to realise the true extent of my feelings for her. I didn't put this down to any great effort on my part  (I was a prat around girls all the time, even more so around those I was besotted with),  but somewhere at the back of my mind I knew Lily to be perhaps more innocent and naive than she would've liked people to think. 

         Lily was the kind of girl who never really got much recognition. She drifted between social groups like a butterfly in the breeze. Often for weeks on end she'd be the talk of Hogwarts and then she'd just fade into the background. I don't think many people knew her at all and just recognised the name. But then again, it was almost as if no one was able to really know Lily. She was unreachable. Unattainable. Elusive, even to the supposed elite of the school; if she'd maybe been a little more outgoing, she'd have definitely been on the highest social tier.

         I was lucky. Being head students together gave us plenty of time to just hang out - usually in the Head's lounge where we may have caught each other in passing and remained to simply talk and joke in a way that I couldn't remember doing since those first nervous years at the school. 

         And it was great. I won't deny it, not to anyone. Lily was ... dazzling. The most radiant person in the whole student population, though few saw it. 

         The weeks to Christmas ran up on us all faster than usually and it was a beautiful snowy day as the Marauders made our way down the long twisting drive of Hogwarts. Gravel and frost crunched under four sets of feet in a steady rhythm as we walked in silence, Gryffindor scarves pulled up high around our necks, hands encased in gloves and shoved deep into pockets. Behind us was the loud chatter issuing from students' mouths accompanied by steaming puffs of warm air that floated about in the still morning air.

         Now we were in seventh year, Hogsmeade had lost most of its appeal. It was no longer new and different to us, having spent many days sneaking out to the village via the secret passageways hidden around the school. 

         Upon reaching Hogsmeade the gaggle of third to seventh years dispersed off to the various shops lining the high street while Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and I made our way to the Three Broomsticks. A small bell tinkled overhead as we shuffled in out of the cold, shaking a light dusting of snow off our cloaks and wiping our boots on the welcome mat. 

         Remus and Peter went and claimed our regular table in the far corner and me and Sirius walked straight over to the bar. 

         "Good morning lads, your  usual is it?" Madame Rosmerta, the barmaid swished up to us in a flurry of bright clothes, a flirty smile fixed on her face.

         "Yes please! Four butterbeers o'great Rosmerta, apple of my eye, cherry of my...something," Sirius grinned roguishly, handing over a galleon. She bent down behind the counter and drew out the butterbeers, emptying the bottles into huge wooden tankards. Handing Sirius back some change, she moved onto two more students waiting to be served and me and Sirius carried the foaming drinks over to our table.

         "So, are we Christmas shopping today then?" asked Peter who had gained a strange foamy moustache from his first sip.

         "I've only got to get yours. As normal." Sirius replied

         "Same here - just you three to buy for. It might be an idea to split up for a couple of hours, so as to get all our shopping done," Remus added, "By the way - what do you guys actually want? Anything in particular?"

         I shook my head and took a gulp from my butterbeer as Sirius waved his arm madly in the air with cries of "Me, me, me! I know! I know!" before reeling off a list of Zonko's products - something he had obviously rehearsed beforehand.

         We soon finished our drinks and went our separate ways, myself along towards Dervish and Banges in a desperate attempt to find something original for Remus this year. He was the hardest to shop for. I hunched my shoulders against the Arctic air as I trudged through the dull brown snowy-slush that lingered on the high street. Each shop I went into greeted me in with a warm cascade of fireside heat. 

         Eventually I managed in procuring gifts for my three best friends plus Lily (an everlasting candle that changed scent to suit the persons mood) and began to make my way back to the castle. I knew that the rest of the school would've already left as it was nearing six O'clock and, dinnertime for them. I planned to get something from the kitchens when the first signs of hunger tickled my stomach. 

         I whistled to myself as I walked. Whistling wasn't really one of my greatest strengths and the tune in my head came out if a strange collections of high-pitched blasts of air, none of which corresponded to the actual melody. But I didn't care. No one was around to hear and life was good. It felt good in the way toffee feels good in your mouth, stuck in your teeth, half slithering down your throat. And I was happy.

         "James!" 

         The voice broke me out of my reverie and promptly halted my whistling. I looked up and saw Lily splashing through ice puddles towards me, her hair flung out behind her in a banner of bright berry red. I stopped as she slowed to a halt in front of me, bending over, her hands on her knees as she tried to regain control of her breathing. When she lifted her face up I saw her flushed normally pale cheeks shining like autumn apples, a perfect smile fixed on her sweet lips.

         "Why didn't you come back with the rest of the school? I wanted to see you toady - we've barely spoken all week!" Lily slid her arm through mine, grinning up at me.

         "I had a bit of shopping to get done, it's hard finding original presents for three guys year after year. What you want me for?" 

         "I don't mean to nag -"

         "But you're going to anyway?"

         "It's just -"

         "Hear we go..."

         "We've done no work on the end of year dance and I'd really like to at least get some ideas down -"

         "Do we have to?"

         "Please James! Pleeeeeeease?" She looked up at me with an exaggerated pout and reproachful eyes - the only thing to give her away was she was desperately trying and failing to hide a teasing smile.

         "Fine, fine, fine," I agreed, Lily beamed. This had the extraordinary effect as my heart jumped up way too high almost hitting the roof of my mouth before zooming back down through my body to rest lazily somewhere near my ankles. I smiled back nervously...

***

         "Okay - theme, yes or no."

         "Definitely no."

         "Dress code, smart, casual any ideas?"

         "Smart, maybe Muggle. Can't stand dress robes on either sex."

         "Same here. Music?"

         "How about Soceress Seline?"

         "Oh no, not her!"

         "Erm....The Griffins?"

         "Kinda dreary."

         "Ooh, I know! Charmers Inc.! Everyone loves them!"

         "Sounds good. Invitations?"

         "What about them?"

         "What should they say?"

         I rolled over on the couch, whipping my spectacles off and rubbing my eyes wearily. "Lily, I don't care. Whatever you want is fine with me."

         Lily tipped her head to the side, slamming the notebooks she'd been writing in down on her lap. She looked up at me pleadingly. I just closed my eyelids and waited as the strange scarlet light behind them faded into darkness. Beside me the sofa moved slightly and the cushions sagged a bit as Lily sat down at my feet. When I opened my eyes I saw her curled up, feet tucked under herself, trying to stifle a small yawn.

         "Tired?"

         "Yep. Can't really be bothered to go back to the dorm. Might just sleep here." Lily smiled sleepily, shaking out her hair to create a veil around face.

         "Well, I've laid claim to this sofa so I'm afraid you've gotta fend for yourself," I hunkered down into the soft cushions, half expecting Lily to leave. But I was mistaken and instead, as my eye's flew open in shock, I found myself lying right next to the auburn beauty as she snuggled down next to me. Her legs were stretched out along mine - although her feet ended halfway down my shins - and I could feel her heart beating against my ribcage; it's steady, peaceful rhythm contrasting to the hammering in my own chest.

         "... to share, won't you!" she was saying something, a cheeky grin on her porcelain face. I was vaguely dazed and shook myself.

         "Huh?" I replied confused and pretty much incapable of human speech.

         "I said: 'well you'll just have to share, won't you!'," she ran her index finger down the length of my nose, "You're kinda cute, you know that James?"

         "Really?" I half-gasped at the touch of her skin against mine. It was soft and gentle, and, to my mind, every move was with great purpose and filled with meaning. 

         "I think you're cute," she whispered against my ear. 

         And with that she promptly closed her eyes and was asleep in minutes, her lithe figure moulded against me, breathing out light, fluttering breaths that tickled across the skin of my neck. The rolling curve of her back was calling out to me, daring me to run my fingers down her spine in neverending sweeps, brushing against her long fiery hair that smelt of lush damp grass and dewy jasmine. I wanted her so badly that my mouth was dry and my very being ached with an intense longing, for just her and only her.

         As I lay in silent rapture, I seemed to me that my estimation of Lily Evans had been correct, and that - even whilst sleeping - she was as always: unattainable.

***

         "CHRIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

         I rolled over in my four-poster bed and groaned. In a second I knew Sirius would leap on my bed and proceed to test the springiness of my mattress by jumping wildly up and down singing some cheesy Christmas song. 

         I lay for a while as he jumped, hoping that maybe this year he might get bored and go back to bed like any normal person. However Sirius was not a normal person and when I refused to lift my sleeping head from the pillow he dived at me, grabbing at my arm and attempting to drag me out of my warm cocoon under the many blankets and eiderdown.

         "Remus, please get him OFF me!" I cried as the cold winter air flooded over my skin, and my back and shoulders made contact with the hard wooden floor.

         "Mphf..." came the reply. Looking up I saw Remus's head was buried under several pillows, his hands clawed at them, holding them fast to his head as Sirius moved onto his next victim. Peter was already up, I noticed, and I could hear him singing something Christmassy in the shower. It was always him and Sirius up first on Christmas day, spreading their seasonal festivity at ungodly hours of the morning.

         "James, you've gotta get up and go find Lily! I promised her she could come over to our dorm to open presents!" Sirius whined, lying on top of Moony tugging at the pillows to mumbled cursing on Remus's part.

         I jumped up from the floor immediately. "YOU WHAT?!" I shrieked.

         "I say, does someone have a crush on my little flower?" Padfoot smirked and even Remus stopped thrashing around to yell a distorted "HA!" from under his pillow. I just glared and began rushing around trying desperately to find something warm, clean and mildly attractive to wear. Not an easy thing, I tell you...

         As Peter flung wide the door to the bathroom, billowing scented steam following him, I bounded past like one possessed. I leapt down the dormitory stairs two at a time and then attempted to ascend the spiral that led to the girls rooms in a similar fashion. As my foot hit the sixth step a loud klaxon seemed to go off all around me and the steps fell from under my feet forming a makeshift slide. By the time I'd slithered down to the bottom Lily had arrived at the top of the staircase and the steps had returned under her. I glared sulkily up at her.

         "Sirius didn't tell me they did that..." I mumbled, folding my arms defiantly across my chest. Lily laughed and held out a hand to pull me up from the ground. "Thanks. Merry Christmas."

         "And the same to you," she replied. It was then that I noticed she was only wearing a large Quidditch t-shirt proclaiming:

'Falmouth Falcons - Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us break a few heads'

I blushed as she continued to speak, "I'm surprised you didn't know about the stairs by now."

         "Well, as you saw, I obviously don't and why should I know by now? I've never even entertained the idea of going into the girls' dormitories!" 

         "Seriously?" Lily arched a single disbelieving eyebrow, "Well, that's certainly not what I've heard..." but she trailed off as I stared at her confused, "Oh dear..."

         "What have you heard?" I asked sharply.

         "Nothing."

         "Lily -"

         "It's nothing important."

         "But it's something?"

         "No... yes... forget it!"

         "Okay."

         "I said - Huh? What did you say?"

         "Okay."

         "Oh," she seemed puzzled. Had she really expected me to press the matter? Of course she had. That's what the old James would've done. To tell the truth I was dying to know what curious rumours she'd heard about me.  "Right, presents. Just a sec', let me go get them." Lily turned and hurried up the stairs leaving me waiting at the foot.

         "Maybe some trousers too unless you want Peter to have a heart attack." I called after her retreating back, but she just sent an inappropriate hand gesture in my direction.

         In a couple of minutes she was back, wand out with  a good few presents floating in the air behind her. She had taken my advice and was wearing some pale blue Bell Bottom jeans.

         "You support the Falcons then? Rough team, they are." I said as we began to walk to the boys dormitories the gifts whizzing around our heads.

         "Yeh, I know, but I don't mind a bit of violence on the pitch every now and then. And anyway, they were the first professional Quidditch team I ever saw play so I thought I'd follow them properly when I was in second year. You support anyone?"

         "The Appleby Arrows. Local team, supported since I was a kid," I grinned, "Top of the league at the moment. Got three great Chasers at the moment - Creech, Highfield and Samuels. Just bought a new Seeker, Josef Wronski, but no idea what he's like yet. Fresh out of school in Poland and he's still in training... Sorry, am I boring you?" I knew I always got carried away by Quidditch but Lily shook her head furiously.

         "Oh no, no, no! It's great! None of the girls in my dorm really like Quidditch that much so it's always a relief to find someone else who does! We'll have to go see a match together sometime." she added.

         "Yeah," I replied, a smile growing on my lips, "Yeah, we should." We'd reached the dorm and I flung the door open to reveal...bedlam. Absolute chaos.

         The blankets and bedding had all been shoved onto the floor while it seemed Sirius was preparing to dive from the top of a four-poster into the mass of fluff below; Peter was, somehow, stuck to the ceiling along with a load of presents, screaming like a Banshee; whilst Remus, normally the sensible one, was swinging round a bedstead singing at the top of his voice an appalling rendition of 'Santa Baby'. I always knew he was gay... 

         "GUYS!" I yelled into the room and suddenly all sound stopped and the only movement was the slow swivelling of their heads on their necks towards me and Lily framed in the doorway. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I screamed, quite unnecessarily in the new silence.

         If they had been standing there would've been, I'm sure, a nervous shuffling of feet but instead there was an awkward silence. Sirius looked at the other two, who looked at each other and back at Sirius.

         "Nothing," came the reply in unison.

         "Well stop it," I stepped over the bedding into the room as Sirius swung down from his perch on top of the bed. Remus jumped to the floor too and started picking up the bed sheets before thinking better and just magicking them neatly onto the respective beds. I whipped out my wand, pointing it up to Wormtail, and waited as Peter and the gifts sunk to the floor before beckoning Lily into the previous warzone.

         "Lily!" whooped Sirius catching her in a huge bear hug, "Merry Christmas! Are those presents?" he said eyeing the still floating packages.

         We settled down on the rough floor and spent the next hour or so ripping paper off packages, laughing and hugging together. The five of us. And it was great having Lily there, a change from previous years. Each unwrapped present was greeting with smiles.

         "Wow, Lily! It's perfect!" exclaimed Moony, enveloping her in his arms. Lily had presented him with a collection of Defence Against The Dark Arts books with titles like 'The Mathematics Of Evil' and 'Boomslangs, Boggarts and Bowtruckles'. When Remus released Lily she turned to me holding a beautifully wrapped package.

         "Merry Christmas," she said again, smiling. I examined the parcel carefully. It was covered in dark red paper that shimmered under the light and the whole thing was tied-up with a golden ribbon that curled into loose coils at the ends. I held the box up to my ear and shook it slightly, hearing something move around inside. 

         I went through the same careful ritual of present examination every year. I liked to savour things, memories most of all and my first proper Christmas present from Lily was - to me - a very precious thing. 

         "James, can't you just open the present?" whined Sirius as I took in the texture of the wrapping; smooth and almost like silk. Before I could reply to my friend, Lily jumped in,

         "No, let him be. I like it." 

         "Lily - he does it with every single damn thing!" added Peter, getting impatient. But it didn't matter; it was tradition to me and if Lily liked it then, well... who was I to complain? 

         Slowly I tugged at the golden ribbon feeling it slip slightly between my fingers as it unravelled itself in one fluid movement. The red paper was not stuck down with anything so I folded it back, following the creases, slowly, methodically. Once the paper was gone I was left with a simple brown box. It was rough and wooden with a handmade feel and a hinged lid. It was about the size of a paperback book and extremely light.

         "Yes, James," said Remus earnestly, "It's a box. Now all you have to do is look inside it and then we can open the rest of our presents... Come on now. Not hard." I narrowed my eyebrows at him and began to lift the lid, painstakingly slowly so as to cause my three friends the most torture possible for their attempts at stopping my Christmas custom. I peered down at the contents and a small gasp escaped my mouth. 

         "A Pensieve?"

         The small circular dish was decorated with thin symbols that wove around each other. There was nothing yet in the shallow basin but still I reached down a ran the tip of one finger around the edge. I gazed up at Lily. She looked worried.

         "D'you like it? I wasn't sure what to get for you but -" 

         "It's wonderful Lily!" I exclaimed. Sirius and Remus both gave me a sideways glance. They knew as well as I did that the giving of a Pensieve was not something to be entered into lightly but now was not the time or place. I was sure I would be cornered about it later though neither of them said anymore as we continued to unwrap various gifts.

         The morning went by fast and soon the five of us were hurrying down to the Great Hall. Barely anyone had remained for Christmas over the past few years - in fact, apart from the teachers it was just us four Marauders and Lily that December. The House Tables were at the side of the Hall leaving just one in the very centre.

         Dumbledore looked up beaming as four of us - me, Peter, Remus and Lily - hurtled in through the great oak doors swiftly followed by Sirius screaming at us, his wand brandished like a sword. We'd pushed him into a trick step and then spent ten minutes laughing as he tried to struggle out. Unfortunately, then, for us, he'd then succeeded and began chased us through the school throwing hexes and curses in our direction and yelling a string of words that even I found offensive.

         "YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LITTLE BAS - hello, Professor Dumbledore! Fancy seeing you here!" Sirius skidded to a stop as we all quickly cowered behind the old Headmaster. Dumbledore chuckled heartily and told us to sit down with the suggestion that 'Mister Black may like to put his wand away now as Christmas is supposed to be a day of goodwill to all men - and women' he added, smiling down at Lily's face.

         To mine and Sirius's delight there were loads of Cribbages Wizarding Crackers. After I'd eaten all the turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing, peas, carrots, chipolatas, bread soaked in gravy and Christmas pudding (McGonagall got the silver sickle in her piece) that I could manage, I had acquired several new hats: a tall powder-blue damsel-in-distress style pointed hat that had a long trail of shimmery material flowing down it; a Muggle pirates hat with skull and crossed bones on the front; a Native American chieftain thingy that was getting feathers everywhere and a huge sombrero that took up an extra chair. 

         After lunch, Lily decided to head back to the Common Room - something about writing a letter or possibly another Lily-ish task, I wasn't really listening - and me and the other Marauders spent the afternoon having a truly spectacular snowball fight that ended with a fabulous throw by Moony that not only caught Peter, who he was aiming for, but rebounded off with the help of a Bouncing Jinx and hit Sirius squarely on the nose. 

         Soaked, but cheerful, we returned to the Marauder HQ, aka the Common Room. Lily was finishing off what looked like a short novel - a note to her mother apparently. Later in the evening the House Elves brought up massive turkey doorstop sandwiches and Christmas cake finished off with huge steaming mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows. And, as we sat by the fireside talking and listening to the distant howling of the December wind and the faint creaking of the castle, I settled back in my favourite armchair - the perfect end to the perfect day.

A/N Thank you all so much for your reviews for the last chapter! I really appreciate it, you guys! Next chapter out sometime Monday so keep reading!

**Me (!) – Oh Michael, you're so… discreet! Thank you for (finally) getting round to actually looking at my story!**

Paige The Goddess – Thank you! And there most certainly is going to be more! Keep reading!

Captain Oblivious – Wow, thanks! I feel flattered you think that! I've read quite a few starting like mine and I was just like, "Mine sounds pathetic!" And yes, poor, poor boy! Aw, I love Remus!

Bessyboo – Thank you! Glad to get you out of the rut! If you want two really great stories look in my Favourite Stories in my profile – I LOVE them both! But they are kinda long now… 

Hannah7 – Yay! Thanks very much! Although I think your James is cooler than mine! 


	6. Lots of shouting & Lucius

         "James, you've got to give the Pensieve back!" Sirius whispered again. I slammed my fists down on the table and shook my head exasperated.

         "No! I've tried to explain, I can't give it back now! It's a binding magical contract and you know it! Once it was in my hands I couldn't not except it. It would throw the balance of things... It's complicated..." I sighed.

         "I don't see how it's complicated! You know exactly what the Pensieve represents! You can't hoodwink a Pensieve!" Sirius cried.

         We'd been having this conversation for the past two hours and it was going nowhere. We were in the Common Room sitting at one of the low tables by the window. Outside it was grey and muggy, there were heavy dark clouds in the sky and the odd smattering of rain would hit the window pane. 

         I looked out at the grounds. The trees of the Forbidden Forest were whipping round each others limbs and tugging at foreign branches. The harsh wind was sending the dead leaves at the base of each trunk into mini hurricanes of decaying brown and the surface of the lake was rippling in hundreds of irregular waves. 

         The weather was gloomy, just like my mood. The way it always is the day after Christmas when the presents have been and gone and the excitement is over. When I was a kid I always hated Boxing Day. The day would feel almost clinical, just everyone going through the motions in a half daze. 

         "Look, what would I tell her anyway? It's not as though I can just blurt out the real reason, is it?" I spoke at last, dragging my eyes away from the dull sky.

         "I dunno, James. Can't you just say that it's too personal?" Sirius shrugged and ran a hand over his shadow of a goatee. He'd been trying to grow one for months and failing miserably.

         "That's putting it lightly," I raised my eyebrow at him, sarcasm dripping from my voice,  "And it sounds a bit harsh, Sirius. How'd you feel if I had to give you back a present?" I slumped onto the table, "Oh God! I don't know! I don't want her to hate me!"

         "I know, I know," he smirked a bit, looking down at my worried face, "Lily won't hate you."

         "But she used to." I muttered with my head now propped up on my hands.

         "Well, that's a chance you're going to have to take, mate. I think she'll understand; she's smart that one."

         I nodded and held a cigarette up to my lips, lighting it. 

         "James, you know I hate it when you smoke." Padfoot glared at me with large blue eyes. He leaned across and plucked it from my mouth and then, as if in an afterthought, stubbed it out on my wrist.

         "JAYSUS!" The ember burnt the thin skin and I jumped back. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, PSYCHO?!" I held my throbbing arm to me, blowing at the round red mark that tingled painfully.

         "To make you quit."

         "THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE ME QUIT! IT'S GONNA MAKE ME SCARRED!"

         "What? Is it only you who's allowed to give yourself scars, James? You're allowed to destroy yourself, yet others don't get a chance?" Sirius said calmly, not flinching at my shouting, "You're seventeen years old. And the way you're heading you'll be lucky to see you 21st birthday. Don't you see? You're slowly killing yourself."

         "There are worse things than death, Padfoot." I muttered.

         "Oh, really? Like what? Like Remus having to turn into a raging werewolf every month? Like me growing up as an outcast in a family full of Dark Wizards? Like Peter never being quite as good as his best friends? Get over yourself, James! You've a better life than the rest of us and you're throwing it away!"

         "STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE! STOP MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!" I yelled again, the Pensieve on the table now forgotten. "IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!"

         "NO IT'S NOT!" Sirius stood up, his eyes blazed and suddenly I felt very frightened. Sirius never shouted at me like that. But now... now he was towering over me and power seemed to be crackling off his body. "YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES IT ABOUT YOU! THAT'S YOU PROBLEM JAMES! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SAD AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALONE!"

         "WE'RE ALWAYS ALONE!"

         "No. Not always. But you are. You alienate yourself and expect people to come running after you. To make it all better. Well, it doesn't work anymore." He was still standing over me, his voice now desperately calm and cold. I gulped.

         "Lily came after me -"

         "Once. One time. And just because she did it then doesn't mean she's yours. And just because she gave you a Pensieve doesn't mean she's yours either. That's why you don't want to give it back - you believe she'll want to be with you then." He said, sitting down again looking weary. There were, I noticed, lines on his young face that had not once been there and he looked more tired than anyone I'd ever seen, including Moony.

         "THAT'S NOT TRUE!" I shouted.

         "Isn't it?"  Sirius' eyes bore deep into my skull. I hadn't meant to let him explode like that. He'd been wanting to yell at me for a long time, I could tell. 

         "I'm sorry, Sirius." I murmured, "I'll tell Lily I can't have the Pensieve when I next see her." He nodded mutely and sinking back into his chair.

         Boxing Day that year, as you can probably tell by now, was not going well. Peter was ill in the hospital wing having eaten too many Honeydukes chocolates and Remus was keeping him company. Lily was, to my knowledge, still in bed.

         I picked up the Pensieve and looked into it's depths. I hadn't used it yet, so it was still empty, no swirling silvery clouds of thought around the base. I wanted to keep it. It was a great present and my first present from Lily. But by her giving it to me had sealed a mystic bond much like a Wizard's Debt. I would've always been bound to her, souls intertwined forever. Pensieves, to be honest, were the gift of a woman to her new husband on their wedding night. That was a scary thought to me. Especially if Lily hadn't known what it meant. Maybe more so if she had.

         "Look... I've gotta go, James. I said I'd meet Remus in the library for a bit." Sirius stood to leave.

         "Why?" I said curiously and for a moment his eyes were frantic but it passed in a second. He obviously hadn't been expecting me to ask him further. "Sirius?" I tried again.

         "We have some homework to do," he said rapidly, "For Muggle Studies." That was the only NEWT that just him and Remus were doing so I let it go. Maybe he needed to get away from me and my halo of depressing-ness.

         "K, I'll see you guys later then."

         Once he'd gone, I studied the burn on my wrist. It was smooth and shiny and either a dark pink or a light red - I couldn't decide which. Also, it still hurt a bit. Hearing feet on the steps behind me I swiftly yanked down my shirt sleeve to cover it and spun to see Lily appear from the stairs.

         "Mornin'..." she yawned, once more only wearing her Falmouth Falcons t-shirt. My heart leapt slightly at the sight of her.

         "Afternoon," I grinned as she sat down across from me, "Sleep well?"

         "Mmm," came the only reply, her face covered with dishevelled auburn hair.

         "It's three o'clock. Do you want something to eat?" I asked again and getting only a vague replying nod, I continued, "Cereal? Toast? Pasta? What?"

         "C..c..c..Cornflakes, please," she stifled out around a yawn. Pulling out my wand, I gave it a flick and a bowl filled with yellow cornflakes and sloshing milk appeared in front of her, accompanied by a tall glass of orange juice, a spoon and - to my complete surprise and horror - a tall, thin crystal vase with a single white lily in it.

         For a few minutes she ate in silence before looking up. At the sight of the flower she cracked a small smile and brushed a petal with her hand. At last I cleared my throat and she glanced up one more.

         Lily's face was pale and clear of make-up, not that she needed any. There was practically no blemish to be seen and if there was it did nothing to harm her features perfect symmetry. Her eyelids were drooping over her emerald irises and there was a trace of sleep-dust in the corner of both lids. Her lips were the palest pink and slightly dry and split, her two front teeth were gently caught on the lower lip giving Lily a childish appearance. Her hair was unbrushed  and frizzy at the roots with the ends knotting together around her shoulders. From the corner of her mouth ran a small trickle of milk that she didn't seem to realise was there. 

         On other people all of this would've made them look awful, but to me, Lily had never looked more beautiful. I wanted to wake up every morning and see those drowsy eyes looking right back at me.  Swallowing, I began.

         "Look, Lil. I know this might sound a bit weird to you but I can't keep the Pensieve." She dropped her spoon back into the bowl with a small splash and her eyebrows creased into a sleepy frown.

         "I don't understand." 

         "Lily, a Pensieve is what a witch bride gives to her husband after their wedding. It's a very VERY personal gift and there are heavy magical pledges that go with it. I can't keep it... I really can't." I looked right into her eyes, begging her, silently, to understand.

         She looked at the silver dish on the table by her elbow.

         "What do you mean 'pledges'?" 

         "I mean you would be bound to me, and I to you -"

         "But what does that mean?" Lily sounded faintly angry now.

         "It means..." I gulped, "That by giving me this Pensieve, you are willing giving me your life and by Wizarding law I - as the 'man'," I gestured in mid-air, "would be entitled to your... your... um, your, oh God," I slumped down in my chair so she could barely see me. Covering my face with my palms I finished, "Your chastity."

         I looked out between two of my fingers in time to see her face blanche and then turn a bright beetroot red.

         "Oh dear..." she said, her face in her hands like mine, "Oh dear, dear, dear. This is not good."

         "Nope."

         "The guy in the shop didn't mention anything to me."

         "Yep."

         "Why does the Wizarding world have something so... icky?"

         "Icky?"

         "Yes, James, icky."

         "Why do you think it's icky?"

         "Because, well, it just it! Isn't it?"

         "I don't think so."

         "Why not?"

         "It's part of my world. My culture, if you want. It's just something that I've always known about, always excepted. It's supposed to be romantic."

         "Romantic?"

         "Doesn't the Muggle world have something similar?"

         "NO!"

         "Oh dear..."

         "Exactly what I just said," For a moment we sat in silence before Lily continued, "So you wanna shag me now or later?"

         "WHAT?!" I burst out, staring it utter disbelief.

         "Well, it took me enough to trouble to get it, you can at least keep it."

         "Lily - look. You - can't - just - do - that! It has to been meant. Seriously."

         "James, what am I supposed to do with it?"

         "Keep it. Until you get married. If you marry a wizard that is. I am not going to... shag you for a Christmas present! It's just kinda..."

         "Icky?" she suggested.

         "YES," I nodded vigorously.

***

         Soon the rest of the school returned and lessons were resumed. The professors seemed to have entered the Spring term with a rather scary determination, directed towards the NEWT's. Each class brought new, tongue-twisting words that we, supposedly, knew the meaning of and were 'vital' to our exams. Within the first week back the Seventh years were stressed and ready for another break.

         Lily and I began to brew our Polyjuice Potion. Professor Scelestra appeared to be particularly interested in our project, and she, along with McGonagall in Transfiguration, loaded extra books and facts on the both of us. Obviously extra credit was worth more credit than we'd originally thought.

         One afternoon in Potions we'd been adding to the Polyjuice. As there were specific times when we had to use each ingredient, a lot of time when we were in the dungeons we'd just been doing research. The research never got boring as, to be honest, there was just so bloody much of it. Piles and piles of sheets of parchment, heavy leather bound books, skinny crumpled books, folders and notebooks. Instead of carting the whole lot around, the heap had been left on and around the desk creating a mini roundabout in the middle of the classroom.

         "Okay, so after the lacewings you add the - what does it say?" Lily peered as the cracking pages of Moste Potente Potions, a small frown on her face.

         "No, no, no! It says to add the leeches first, then the lacewings," I picked up a tall glass cylinder in which several large black slug-things were writhing around. Beside me, Lily shuddered.

         "Urgh. Are they still alive?" she groaned.

         "No, they're supposed to move like that when they're dead. Of course they're still alive, you fool!" I replied sarcastically. She gave me a look that would've killed pigeons in mid-flight and then gave the thick potions a quick stir. "Have you added the knotgrass?"

         "No, where is it?" Lily ducked under the desk searching in between the other pots for the weird brown plant. To me it looked like very old string, but I was assured that it was a real potion ingredient. Neither Lily nor I had much patience for Potion making normally - she thought it was too much like cooking, not something, she said, she excelled at in the Muggle World. "Aha!" came her voice, and her auburn head popped back up, some knotgrass clutched in one palm.

         She began shredding it up, ripping at it with long spiky fingernails. As it fell into the potion, the Polyjuice made the same gurgling noise as my stomach did when I was hungry. The liquid turned as gross mustard-yellow and the surface bubbled violently.

         "Okay, and the leeches..." I prompted but once again received  a 'look'. However this one very clearly said 'No way, not ever, never am I going to touch those THINGS.' I rolled my eyes and plucked them out one by one. They were slippery and slimy and I was very glad when Lily told me to stop. I rinsed my hands as she poured some lacewings over the top and stirred in a smooth figure of eight.

         In the distance, a bell rang and the whole class reached down simultaneously for their bags and then surged towards the door. Remus caught me as I walked away from the desk, leaving Lily to walk with Sirius. 

         "James, would you give me a hand later with Transfiguration?" Remus said as we made our way up to the Main Entrance. 

         I raised an eyebrow. "Moony, why didn't you ask when I was tutoring the Lower School? Okay, sorry, sorry - joke! Course I'll help you," I nodded, "It's all anyone asks me to help them with now..." I mock-sniffed, a tearful expression on my face. Remus just laughed at me and told me not to be stupid.

         "WATCH WERE YOU'RE GOING, EVANS!" came a shout behind me. I spun round, half way up the stairs to see Lily, bright red, picking up her books from the floor and Lucius Malfoy standing above her. On his face was a snide little smile. A Slytherin smile.

         "Well, I shouldn't really get mad at you should I, Evans? I mean, afterall, you're just a stupid little Muggle when it comes down to it - aren't you?" He sneered at her and my blood began to boil.

         Lily threw her head back. Malfoy was a good foot taller than her and she looked tiny next to him. 

         "I am a witch, Lucius." she said, her voice shaking.

         "Oh, of course, I forgot! You're not a Muggle, oh no! You're much worse!" he stepped forward and reached out a hand. Lily flinched as his palm stroked her cheek and he twirled a strand of hair around one of his pale, bony fingers. "You're a filthy little Mudblood whore, aren't you? Tell me, who's better in bed? Wonderboy Potter or Daddy?" 

         Lily blanched and a few parchments dropped from her arms. The crowd, that had gathered around the two, muttered to one another. Some laughed while others shook their heads in disgust. I couldn't take it. I pushed past Remus and squeezed through the throng of pupils down the stairs as quickly as I could.

         "Come on, Lillikins! You haven't answered my question! Or am I going to have to punish you? Or do you like punishments? Does your Daddy punish you, Evans? Does it feel good...?" Lucius smirked at Lily's white face. His hand had fallen from her face and was tugging delicately at her Gryffindor tie. He licked his lips, like a cat waiting to take its prey. 

         Pushing past the crowd, I reached the front just as Malfoy started to lower his lips to her neck. His disgusting, foul mouth daring to mare her perfect skin. I didn't think and just slashed my wand in his direction like a sabre.

         BANG!

         A fireball of crackling violet flames had burst from the tip of my wand and Malfoy flew off his feet, landing with a crack on the marble floor. His blond head bounced up within in a second, drawing out his wand from the folds of his cloak, still lying on the floor.

         But I was too quick. There was an almighty rumbling in my eardrums and my heart was racing furiously. I cried: Expelliarmus! And the wand zoomed from his fingers tips in a flash of red, and the wood ricocheted off the walls, flying over peoples heads.

         I stormed over to Lucius. He looked terrified as I stood over him.

         "Just give me a reason," I whispered to him, "One single reason, and I swear - I SWEAR - I'll do it."

         "You don't scare me, Potter," Malfoy sneered up at me, "Your blood's no more honourable than hers, is it?"

         "I don't think blood has anything to do with who's holding the wand to your throat right now." I pointed out. This time, Malfoy didn't reply but instead spat right up in my face. It hit my cheek, cold, and I wiped it off with the cuff of my robes.

         "Get up," I hissed, "I don't have time for this. Fifty points from Slytherin for disgraceful behaviour towards the Head Students. Another fifty for using language in this school that is offensive towards a large majority of the students. And another twenty for being plain vulgar. You have detention for the next week, starting tomorrow night. I'll ask McGonagall to give you something to do - I don't have anymore time for the scum of this earth like you.

         "Understand?" I asked, "Good, now get out of my sight. And you lot, too!" I turned on the still watching students. "Are you, okay, Lil?" 

         She looked up at me and nodded silently as the students dispersed; Malfoy included. I put an arm round her and steered her back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

A/N I'm afraid this chapter was written kinda fast. Plus it's sort of weird, sorry about that! I'd completely forgotten about the Pensieve when I started another chapter! But I have the next one already done, so it should be up in a day or so! Thank you all so so so so so much for all the lovely reviews last chapter! I was shocked!

**Captain Oblivious – I loooooooooooove Sirius! And Remus! They're the best! It was so great writing that chapter cos I just thought of all the things my male friends do and put them into the Marauders. My friends weren't too happy about it though – especially the one Remus is based on! Thanks for continuing to read!**

**CalliopeWithAQuill – Thanks for both of your reviews. I know it sucks that Lily and James smoked, but it's in the Eighties when people didn't realise it was bad for you (well not as much anyway). Plus they're both a bit 'affected' and people do stupid things when they have hard lives. Thanks for the grammer tip! I've tried as I hard as I can to get it right!**

**Unhealthily-Obsessed – Wow, thanks! Unique style! Woah! I can feel my ego growing by the second! Thanks so much!!!!! Keep reading!**

**allie kat5 – Aaw! Thank you so much! I always worry about my description but that makes me feel a load better about it!**

**Slytherinangel922 – Thanks! Is this updated soon enough?!**

**Mandycroyance – Ohmigod! I've never had a review like that! Thank you thank you thank you thank you! I can't believe anyone would say that about my writing! I suck at story writing at school! Wow! I can't get over that! New favourite person!!!! And I'll send out e-mails to reviewers whenever there's a new chapter or you could use author alert. Keep reading!**

**Tv-fan-06 – I most certainly will keep writing! Glad you like it! Thank yoooooooooou!**

**Angel Street – Here's one update! And another soon, as I said! Keep reading!**

**Babygal – Thanks! I've never tried writing from a guy's point-of-view before, but I love James too much!!! Keep reading!**

**Hannah7 – Why thank you very much indeed! Fabulous! Hope you're still enjoying it!**

**Wicca Willow – Well, you'll be pleased to know I wrote this entire chapter because of your review! I'd completely forgotten about the Pensieve! There's so much I wanna get written!!!! But this is specially for you! Keep reading!**


	7. A Death & James's New Life

            After Malfoy, Lily became very subdued. She barely spoke, to anyone. She ate late in the Great Hall so as to avoid people and spent little to no time in the Gryffindor Common Room. 

            Occasionally I'd find her; curled up on the sofa in the Head Students Lounges, fresh tear tracks on her cheeks and her fingers blue with cold. Those times I just covered her up with a blanket and left. 

I didn't want to have to think about what Malfoy had said. I didn't want to believe it. How could anyone…? Anyone do something so terrible to her? To my Lily. Mine. 

It killed me each time we had a lesson with the Slytherins. The things they said about her made me want to either burst into floods of tears or beat the living daylights out of each and every one of them. They were relentlessly spiteful. All the words they said dripped thick and greasy with malice and every loud burst of laughter had hard jagged edges.

And still the same reoccurring question: Why? Why, why, why? Life is full of constant 'why's, yet I still never understand; never truly know, just, why?

***

            It was in January when news of the first attack came. 

            The whole of the school had been on tenterhooks for months, just waiting... waiting... Subscriptions to the Daily Prophet among the student body had never been higher and every morning a deathly hush would fall over the Great Hall. The owls would swoop down in droves and then would come the shuffling of paper and an audible sigh of relief from the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables.

            Popularity for the Slytherins was terrible, duels in the corridors took place after nearly every lesson and Quidditch matches with them were some of the bloodiest and most aggressive I had ever seen. I was dreading the day Gryffindor was to play them.

            It was a Wednesday and I could tell something was up when McGonagall stepped into the Common Room after dinner. As the portrait door swung open, a chilling silence fell over the whole House. Me and Sirius had been playing chess, me losing as normal, and even the chess pieces had stopped grinding each other into dust to look up at the Deputy Headmistress.

            "I'm afraid, Gryffindor, that I have some rather disturbing news for you. There has been an incident in Diagon Alley -"

            "What kind of incident?" called out Remus urgently. McGonagall sighed shakily, whipping out a large white handkerchief to blow her nose with a large honk. It would've been comical had the timing been different, but even Padfoot looked fearful.

            "As you all know, a powerful Dark Wizard known as Vol... Vol..." another shuddering breath this time not only from her but from the whole House, "You-Know-Who has been gaining followers over some time now, and this afternoon several hundreds of his supporters stormed the main street of Diagon Alley."

            A horrified gasp went round the room. Lily, who was sitting next to me, was shaking violently and her face was paler than ever. Sirius was staring eyes wide at the floor, showing no obvious sign of panic, but I could see his fist clenched on the table - his knuckles bunched and white.

            "Professor?" a nervous first year prompted.

            "I'm afraid, that there have been some casualties," our teacher continued blinking back tears, "And... a number of deaths." The words reverberated off the walls echoing deep into my head yet every person in that room remained still. 

            Time seemed to be suspended as every just stared in disbelief. Silence crept back into every corner, clogging the air as it hung heavily around us. The words had barely sunken in when McGonagall opened her mouth to speak once more and she fixed her eyes with mine.

            "James, would you come with me please." she finished in a whisper, holding out one trembling hand towards me. Everyone turned and their eyes widened in horror. I had thought that if it had been anyone in our House, it would not have been me. Never me. Not a Potter. 

            My legs were water as I stood up, but I somehow managed - though even now I do not see how - to walk out of the Common Room, down two flights of stairs to McGonagalls office. She'd gripped my hand firmly with hers all the way there. Leading me. 

            I rarely thought of my family whilst at Hogwarts. School was like another world, a separate life then. But while McGonagall was leading me mindlessly, I let the two universes merge. 

            I had a good family. A wonderful family, to tell the truth, when I knew I so easily could've ended up without anyone in the world. I loved them all. My grandparents most; the way they were so much in love filled me with awe. Their secret smiles and swing dancing. I wanted to be like that when I was that age. I couldn't imagine one without the other. What if one had died? What if it was Grandma? Or Grandpa? 

            My brothers, who'd taught me everything. And I mean everything! From why it was stupid to lick the plug sockets in Muggle homes to why girls got sulky once a month. Lorenzo and Morgead, though sometimes I resented them for having their real mother, were clever and cool and loud and loyal and beyond hilarious. Better than me at everything, of course.

            And Topaz. My big sister. I adored her. She was my rock, my protector, my bestest best friend and my anchor. Augusta, my step-mother, no matter how snobbish and nagging she could be, I appreciated that she cared for me as her own child. I really did.

And my father. My one true relative who loved me, even though I reminded him of his wavering fidelity.

            Plus the whole time I was thinking 'Who is it? Which one? Why? WHY? How can this be happening to me?'. However, as the door to her study swung open and I saw my father rocking nervously in his chair, I knew. I just knew. He stood up, his skin red and puffy. And his eyes, just like my sister's…

            "It's Topaz," I whispered, "Isn't it?" He nodded slowly, looking like a lost little boy with his arms wrapped tightly around himself. 

            I shook my head feverishly and sat down in a chair, catching my head in my quivering hands. Unable to hold it in any longer; the pain and the worry and the fear that was knotted in my stomach and kept my tears unshed, I let out a single muffled whimper. My father swiftly kneeled down beside me and, for the first time since I was a child, I let him hold me as steaming rivulets of salty tears ran down my face. I clutched at his shoulders, his arms covering me, as sob after hiccoughing sob ran through me all of them building up to a single cruel wail as every painful memory came flooding back to me. 

            I remembered ever time I'd yelled at Topaz and slammed the door in her face; every time I'd been too lazy to go out with her to watch some Quidditch or do some shopping; every time I had forgotten to reply to her lengthy letters and every hateful and hard-hearted thing I'd ever said to her face and behind her back throughout the past seventeen years. 

            After what seemed like hours to me, my father suggested I returned to pack my belongings to come home for a while. He wanted me to be with him and the rest of our family, not stuck up in Scotland going to lessons each day without being able to truly grieve. I nodded and then ran from the room, a lump still in my throat. I hurtled down the stairs, into the Main Entrance and out of the front door into the grounds. 

            The howling night gale slapped my watery face and tugged at my robes. It was dark and freezing and it stung. Had it been raining when Topaz died? Had the cold water saturated her clothes as she walked through Diagon Alley? Had she been alone? Was it quick and painless? Did she die screaming in agony? Had her murderer laughed? Laughed, at my sisters still lifeless body? Was she afraid as she died..?

            It was raining outside that night and it was raining inside my heart, as my legs gave way under me. I fell down on my knees in the mud and I prayed to God. I prayed for the wretchedness, the heart-wrenching bitter torture, to go away. My whole life seemed to be flooding my head and I could see no future in the world. To me, the world was now cold and stinging and empty of all reason, of all hope. I prayed as I had never done before and the wind whipped at my shuddering body.

***

            I walked in a dream back to my dormitory. When I climbed through the portrait hole I saw the whole House had remained up, sitting in an uneasy silence, clutching at each others hands. No one said anything as I passed through slipping past chairs and sofas towards the stairs, but ever eye that caught me said the same thing: 'We all know by the time this is over, you won't be the only one...'

            None of the Marauders followed me up to our room. I doubt they'd've known what to say or do; it was almost as much a loss for me as a loss for them. 

            For some time I just sat on the edge of my bed staring into space, my mind blank after the rush of thoughts that had overwhelmed me before. Gradually, I began to move things into my trunk, flicking my wand to fold clothes or shrink books; as it was I only just managed to squeeze all my belongings in. With another flick of my wand, my luggage rose steadily into the air and trailed behind me as I left the dorm without a backwards glance.

***

            It was a bitterly cold day. Everyone was dressed in black; the horses and carriages were black too. People stood around in a group talking softly under their breath about how it was such a tragic loss and how awful it was for someone to die so young. This conversation had been played out hundreds of times over the past week by the same people, with the same words and the same opinions; all nodding gravely at the same time and sniffing into handkerchiefs at the same time. 

            I looked up seeing several crows circling high in the pale morning air. Every now and then when someone walked past they would shake my gloved hand and then my fathers saying 'I'm sorry for you loss'.  And they said it as if they actually meant it. They didn't mean it. They didn't understand - not one of them - how it felt to have Topaz ripped away from me. 

            A single cigarette hung limply from my thin lips, the smoke rising in wispy coils above my head. I breathed out through my nostrils feeling the heat scorch the delicate hairs that lined them and the tar begin to stick against my skin.

            The funeral was over and her body now lay six feet below the frosted ground, incarcerated inside a shiny maple wood coffin. She'd always been claustrophobic and now she was stuck in the earth until her body decayed and her bones turned to dust. No one else seemed to think this wrong. To put a person in a ruddy great hole and just... leave? It wasn't right!  But now, I was just tired.

            I was too tired to care any longer. Too tired to do menial things like brush my teeth or eat or cut my hair. What was the point, anyway? I knew that I would eventually end up in the ground; pushed out of sight so people could simply go on living their lives. And yes, I'd go back to Hogwarts and I'd do my NEWT's but, why? Why? What good would it do in the end? None. 

            I had had enough of this life. The world was cruel. It breed darkness and evil. Where everyone lied and cheated and stole. I didn't want to be part of a world like that. I didn't want to have to exist in a place like that. 

            "James, it's time to leave," my half-brother Morgead tapped my shoulder, "And what're you smoking for? Put that bloody stick out. You're too young to die." I glared up at him and grudgingly dropped the fag to the ground, grinding it up with heel of my boot.

            The journey home was swift, Flooing from the crematorium back to the large fireplace in our hallway. I ran up the stairs swiftly, not waiting for my father, Lorenzo and Morgead. I didn't want to look at them and see Topaz's eyes or Topaz's nose or smile. The mirror in my room was covered with a blanket. My face reminded me of her most. When she was alive we'd sometimes pretended we were twins. I'd never be a 'twin'.

            I took off my smart jacket and flung it on a chair, then rolled up my shirt sleeves. The red marks were still there. Still snaking down my arm as a reminder of all the terrible  things that I'd ever done. They weren't deep enough, I decided. They were only scratches. Topaz would want me to feel her pain and see it etched into my flesh. 

            I scrabbled for a razor blade in the bedside drawer. 

            The first cut hurt. I winced as I saw blood well up under the skin and it began to flow out in thin trickles of scarlet. The second gash was easier though I still gasped as the blade dug in further than it had before. But the pain was good. Any pain was better than the numbness and emptiness that was all I'd known since McGonagall had appeared in the Gryffindor Common Room. 

            That night seemed so far away to me now. The Marauders and Lily had all written to me countless times but I just swept all the letters straight into the bin. Hogwarts wasn't important.

            With each slash the wounds came smoother. Blood scatter the clean white bed sheet I was sitting on but my sight was blurred, even behind my glasses. I couldn't see my hands they were so covered and there was red everywhere. All over my skin like I'd spilt a bucket of fresh paint over my limbs. 

            I was drowning and I felt dizzy, like I'd just fallen down several flights of stairs. My room swayed in front of me, the deep scarlet still at the bottom of my line of vision. Something clenched in my stomach and there was a strange spasm along my throat. I heaved into my lap, unable to move my head away from my bed. My mouth burned from the acid, with had a horrible pungent taste. It made my head swim.

            I felt my eyes rolling up into my skull. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the flashing gleam of the razor blade, still clenched in my quivering palm.

***

            I awoke in a strange room that glowed from each of it's four white walls. There was, I also noticed, a pale tube in my mouth running down my gullet. It made me want to hurl again and I began to cough and splutter around the pipe. Witches and wizards clad in green swooped down on me and for a while everything was very confused as voices called for things and spells were cast over me. 

            Time passed slowly once the crowd of Healers had left. It seemed hours before a soft knock came at the door and my father walked in looking more nervous than I'd ever seen him. He gave me a small grin and pulled up one of those uncomfortable hospital seats by my bed.

            "Hey James. Long time no see," he spoke quietly looking everywhere apart from, it seemed, directly in my eyes. "How...how're you doing?"

            I looked down at my arms which were heavily bandaged, a small bit of blood seeping through in places. 

            "I'm fabulous," I muttered, "What do you think?" For a moment he looked as though he was going to break into tears right there and then but his face hardened - devoid of all emotion.

            "Well, I thought you tried to kill yourself James, forgive me if I'm wrong."

            "I didn't try to kill myself." I insisted. Why was he even here if all he wanted to do was have a go at me? 

            "Oh really? So, what, you just got bored one afternoon and decided to hack your wrists up for fun? That's sick James, that's twisted." 

            "MY SISTER HAD JUST BEEN MURDERED BY DEATHEATERS! AND YOU'RE CALLING ME SICK AND TWISTED?! HOW DARE YOU!" I yelled, my voice breaking slightly and tears stinging at my eyes.

            "I am your father."

            "THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!"

            "IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE! DO YOU EVEN REALISE WHAT YOU DID?" He grabbed my shoulders and shook me vigorously, his eyes blazing with flame, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?"

            "No! So enlighten me why don't you! Impart on me your great wisdom, oh marvellous father! Surely you must understand all things having spent half your life in the whorehouses of Knockturn Alley! So tell me, who killed Topaz? A mate of yours?"

            "Stop making this about me! And stop being so selfish! Topaz wasn't _just_ your sister!" Dad flung out his arms wildly, "There are other people in this world and they aren't lying in a hospital bed with scars covering their arms!"

            "You don't understand -"

            "No - you don't understand! I had just lost one child and because of you I nearly lost another one! How could you be so self-centred to think that you were the only person who was grieving for Topaz? She was mine and Augusta's only daughter; Morgead and Lorenzo's little sister; she was a granddaughter and a niece and a cousin and a best friend! 

            "You are not the only person to have every suffered! Twenty other people died in the attack and they too had families and friends and lives! You are not the first person to have lost and neither will you be the last!

            "I would've thought that after her death you would see the value of life, but obviously you can't tell that other people have feelings! If you had died in your room alone - how would I have felt? How would you brothers feel? How would Sirius and Remus and Peter feel?"

            The tears I had seen earlier in his face were now trickling slowly down his cheeks. Each drop caught the sunlight that filtered in through the window and shone like a single diamond. My head lolled forwards and I also began to cry softly. Call me weak - I don't care. I hurt physically and mentally and there were too many feelings crowding my head.

            "Sorry," I murmured.

            "We all miss you, you know." He replied, "A girl called Lily turned up. She was in a terrible state when we heard that you... were here."

            "What?" I looked up at him, amazed. Lily? 

            "She's okay now, I think. Only tears - nothing too serious," he added hurriedly, "She just really wanted you back at school. She'd been keeping notes and stuff for each lesson for you, so you won't be too far behind. I spoke to one of the Healers; he said you'd be good to go in a couple of days..." Dad rambled on for while. 

            It was nice to listen to him. To hear about normal things that had been going on, at home and school; all the people I'd barely given a moments thought to over the past days yet knew from my cousins and great-aunts to my classmates and Quidditch mates. They became bright bold poster paints in my mind, next to my dull watercolour. I had shrunken into myself from being the most colourful shining picture of scarlet and yellow gold - the epitome of all that was Gryffindor - to something with barely-there hues of crimson and ochre.

            ***

            Even when I looked back on those first terrible weeks of January, I could still feel the sheer anguish and loneliness as clearly as I had done then. Although the scars on my arms heeled after a while and I returned to Hogwarts, the actual memory of my feelings were the deepest scar.

            I had never seen, nor have seen since that day, my father so deeply angry and upset. A lot of people had shouted at me in my first term of seventh year. Telling me things that I didn't want to know about or was too arrogant to care for. That, was perhaps, my greatest shortcoming. Underneath my skin I was still an egotistical prat who believed themselves already an adult.

            Until Topaz's death, I was still a child – a very scared and confused one. 

            The fact, however, that I could remember all of it with such startling clarity gave me more... I don't know... drive, you could say. Not a single day past for the rest of the school year were at least one person was affected by Voldemort. The students of Hogwarts during my seventh year were, to put it simply, a doomed youth. We lost part of our childhoods and our first - normally  glorious - years of adulthood pushing ourselves to the extremes; even the first years were trained for combat. 

            The day when I walked back through the gates flanked with winged boars to the school, healed and rested, I looked on it as the first day of my new life. I had had my hair cut, my scars healed (except for the burn on my wrist), I stopped smoking and whining every five seconds. I even got Muggle contact lenses! 

Going back into the Common Room after so long away was the best. Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily had all thrown themselves at me, I'd gotten pats on the backs and handshakes from the Prefects and tumultuous applause from my Quidditch team. Life wasn't perfect, but it was okay. And existence - I had decided - was not as tangible as teenagers are wont to believe. I wasn't going to waste mine.

A/N: Okay, this was a longish chapter to keep you going. The updates may not be quite as often for a couple of weeks or so. This is because I've just gone back to school to start my first year preparing for GCSE's – exams for 16 year olds in eleven subjects, two year course with loads of coursework and homework and, oh yeah, the rest of my LIFE depends on them, aaaaaaaaarggggh!!!! So as you can imagine the teachers are freaking out and piling on the work. Therefore – update maybe once a week, tops! Sorry!!! 

But anyhoo… Thank you all the people reading this (if you haven't reviewed it why not? See, lil button down there *points*) and thanks to all the reviewers who came back!!! Yay!

Slytherinangel922 – Thank ye very much! Am most pleased/proud/ego-growing by the second that you like! Keep liking and I'll be a very very  happy person indeedy!

Captain Oblivious – Yay! Worked very hard on making that cute! Also worked hard on making me cry a lot on this…Poor Jamesie! Bless his soul! And, yeh, the guy Remus is based on was not impressed..!

CalliopeWithAQuill – Ooh, I'm so glad you reviewed again! I thought I might've driven you off with James smoking, but no, you're back!!!! Yay! Glad you feel special and Lucius is evil evil evil nasty boy. Being mean to Lily… how dare he?! But good ol' James to the rescue! And look – James has quit smoking!!! Be proud! P.S – What's a calliope? In particular, why would it have a quill...? J

Wicca Willow – Wow! Thanks for putting me on your favourite's list! I feel so loved! *does freaky little dance* Pensieve convo took me aaaaaaages and I had to ask one of my friends what the Pensieve should be and he was no use whatsoever and told me I was crazy. Ah well… Keep reading!

MysticAngel14 – No problemo with the e-mail, in fact you should have another one for this chapter! So effiecient! And Malfoy is scum, but so cool to write!!! Hopefully it'll get even more interesting! There's so much I wanna put in this story and so little time goddamn it!

Tv-fan-06 – James is adorable! Everyone should have a guy-friend like James! A James for everyone!!! Am continuing… Keep reading!

Unhealthily-Obsessed – I hope Dumbledore bought his too! Though the thing that worried me that I realised after I posted the chapter was… Snape uses Dumbledore's Pensieve. Ick… Oh, and my stats say I'm on your favourites list!!!! Wow! Thank you!!! *Blush*

Professional scatterbrain – New reviewer! Yep, unfortunately, as you can see in this chapter James does self-harm. Buuuuut, he's going to stop now. And as much as I'd love to answer you're other questions I can't! Woah, this is what JK must feel like… maybe not… Keep reading!!

Hannah7 – Last but not least..! Malfoy IS nasty! But cool character! Think I might write a Draco or Lucius fic if I ever finish this one… Hmm, interesting idea… Anyhoo – keep reading and writing and get Chapter 2 posted ASAP!!! 


	8. Discovering A Secret & Mashed Potatoes

            I threw myself into my work. My grades for the five subjects I was taking at NEWT's - Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Wandless Magic and Defence Against the Dark Arts - all rocketed up to Exceeds Expectations and Outstandings. I ploughed through piles and piles of homework, doing every extra credit  question and more background reading, so fast my eyes flew across the pages.

            I trained daily for Quidditch, perfecting my diving and throws, soaring across the pitch on my Silver Arrow and mastering numerous Chaser moves that I'd seen or heard of. Hell, I even compiled a list of suggestions for the Graduation Dance and gave them to Lily one breakfast! Her jaw had practically hit the floor as I'd handed the sheets of paper over.

            Yes, James Potter had become the perfect Head Boy. McGonagall even told me so! I was smart, organised, liked by students and teachers, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team was blossoming under my captaincy. I also knew that at that point it would've been very, very easy to let my ego get the better of me, if it hadn't been for one tiny little detail. Lily.

            The thing that brought her to the front of my mind once more happened one weekend.

            Peter was in Hogsmeade visiting his aunt and cousin who were staying at the Three Broomsticks for a couple of nights. I was in the library  completing a lengthy thesis on the way in which power is taken from the human mind and channelled using either a wand or just a person's magically 'energy-field'... Anyway, it was kinda complicated, but I knew that it would come up in the NEWT's without fail so I had to learn it and all the confusing words that went with it.

            The library was pretty empty. Most people were in Hogsmeade or outside as it was unusually warm for late February. The table I was seated at with piled with enormous leather bound volumes, open at certain pages and tottering in four foot high piles behind which I was wrapping up my essay. One thing I had noticed since returning to Hogwarts was that Madam Pince no longer glared at me every five seconds. 

            I waved my wand over the parchment and any spelling mistakes were corrected in a second and I dropped several textbooks, my quill, ink and parchment into my bag. With the next wave of my wand the remaining books zoomed back to their shelves nearly hitting the few people in the library on the heads.

            I strolled out into the silent corridors, nodding occasionally to various portraits as the called out greetings and comments as I passed. Clunking up the stairs I soon reached the Common Room and found no one there.

            That, first off, was strange. Remus and Sirius had said they would be in the Common Room for the day. There was an abandoned game of chess on the floor near the fire and a draft coming from an opened window was blowing the pages of a book, left open on the arm of a chair. 

            'Oh well,' I thought and began to climb the stairs up to the boys dormitories, pondering whether I'd should do some Quidditch practice before dinner. The idea was appealing. Pausing to look out of one of the thin windows halfway up the stairs I could see that there was no one on the pitch. The grass was dry and the sun was shining and the tops of the trees bordering the Forbidden Forest were swaying gently in a soft breeze. I could almost feel the wind against my hair. 

            When I reached the door to our dormitory, I found it locked. Nothing abnormal about that, I just muttered the password we'd agreed on and the door swung open into the room.

            Silence.

            I stopped stock still staring. Just... staring. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped slightly. I blinked once. Twice. It was... impossible. Yet still my mind came to the same conclusion. I felt sick and confused and scared and I rapidly slammed the door shut. I slumped against it, breathing fast in short gasping breaths.

            What I had seen, I had not, in a million zillion years expected. It was Remus. And Sirius. And they'd been...

            'NO!' screamed my brain and I shook my head vigorously and screwed up my eyes against the mental image. 'DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! DON'T!' But it still penetrated the darkness inside my head.

            Sirius and Remus kissing.

            I ran a shaking hand through my hair, all thoughts of Quidditch forgotten as the mini film in my head played out.

            Door swings open; Moony and Padfoot's arms encircling each other, eyes closed, lips pressed to lips; then sudden breaking off as they stared back at me, the eyes now wide open, surprised; they glanced at one another and I had pulled the door shut with a snap. Then it played again and again and again until I was certain that what I'd seen had to be, it just had to be, the truth. What else could it be? 

            Turning slowly, I once more pushed the door open. It creaked loudly and Remus and Sirius looked up at me, sitting on separate beds. In the mirror across the room I caught my reflection. My skin was blanched, my mouth was pinched and my pupils were huge - fearful. 

            "James, look, we can -" Remus stood up and began but I strode over to my bed, depositing my bag and cutting him off in a forced cheery voice.

            "I thought I might go flying for a bit, y'know, seeing as how the weather's so nice today -"

            "James, please listen!" started Sirius but I rambled on, blocking out both him and Remus, rummaging busily through my trunk.

            "- I mean, it's never going to last is it? Gotta make the most of the sun whilst it's there. I'll bet there'll be rain tomorrow and all -"

            "James! Let us explain!" Remus tried again,

            " - how typical of England. You can never tell with the weather. Did Peter say when he'd be back? Only he said his aunt was feeling rather ill last time he heard from her and it's be nice to know how she's feeling, wouldn't it?" I was nearly out the door and scott free when Moony moved in front of the doorway and Padfoot grabbed my broomstick out of my hand.

            "James, sit down." Remus said quietly, fixing his eyes on me.

            "I don't want to." No longer pretending, I whispered, looking away from him, and moving my eyes to the floor. I wanted to get out and forget it happened and I wanted Remus and Sirius to do the same.

            "Please, James..." Sirius touched my shoulder but I wrenched it out of his grasp and glared at his stricken face.

            "I said I don't want to! Leave me alone!"

            "Prongs, we can't. We're your friends, we owe you an explanation." Remus said, still barring the door, his voice calm and soothing.

            "I don't want an explanation! I don't want anything apart from to go and play Quidditch by myself!" I moved towards the door and flung Moony's arm aside to get out. But he was too quick for me and grabbed the back of my robes, hauling me back into the dormitory and pushing me down onto my bed with a strength I didn't know he had.

            "You have to stay." he stated firmly.

            "Look... look," I stammered, "I'm not going to say anything to anyone about... ahem... well, y'know. Just... I... I... I'll need a little time to... er, regroup. Okay?" I'd been slowly moving backwards and the back of my knees knocked against a low chair which I fell back into. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and then sat down across from me.

            "Can we explain?" Sirius said.

            "Do you really have to?" I replied a little too quickly, eyes darting back and forth between the two. My best friends. My best male friends. Male friends. 

            "Yes, we have to." Remus confirmed. I swallowed, my Adam's apple bobbing uncomfortably in my throat. Sirius started.

            "James, you know that you are my best friend and I would never ever do anything to upset you or anything. You do know that, right?" I nodded slightly, my eyes still flicking nervously.

            "And, I feel the same about you," added Remus before taking up the reins, as it were, "But, how can I explain this? This between Sirius and I, it's fairly recent and we don't really know what to think about it either and we didn't want to say anything to you. You know, make it more awkward than it actually is."

            "How... how..?" I stammered. Once again they glanced at each other. It was beginning to scare me. Did they just read each others mind? Were they suddenly better friends than with me? Sirius shrugged.

            "It was one evening, we'd been doing Muggle Studies homework quite late. There was a lot of it about eklericity and those thingy- things that they shove in wall sockets. We were sitting on the couch, just talking and stuff and then it just... happened..." Sirius, to my horror, smiled shyly out of the corner of his mouth at Remus. Sirius never acted mushy like that. But then again, I'd always assumed he went for girls.

            "I thought you were straight, Si." I murmured, not quite meaning to say it out loud. Sirius stared at me.

            "So?" he replied nonplussed.

            "'So?'," I mimicked, "What am I supposed to think? I mean, you and I, we've always been the guys who chased the girls. It was like a second sport when we were younger. You've dated girls and kissed girls and slept with at least one! Remus - yeh okay, no offence - but he's about as straight as a corkscrew! But you? Sirius Black? It didn't get much straighter! There were rulers that were more bent than you! And now... you're just - what? Having a laugh? Is this all some big joke for you? Is it funny to watch me have my best friends taken away from me?" 

            I was rambling on and on, but I just couldn't comprehend what I'd seen! There hadn't even been the slightest bit of a hint towards their 'relationship'. It didn't make sense. How was it that after seven years of friendship, I hadn't realised possibly the most defining thing about my best friend. Two of my best friends, as even Remus had come as somewhat of a shock.

            "This must be kinda confusing for you," stated Remus quietly. He was curled up against a bedstead, his chin on his knees with his golden eyes fixed on me. I nodded and pinched my lips firmly together. "James," he said again and came and sat beside me on my bed. He placed one hand gently on my shoulder, "It is tough. I know. I understand. You don't wanna lose Sirius - "

            "Or you," I added.

            "Or me," he smiled, a real appreciative smile, "but I promise you won't. We're still your best friends - nothing will ever change that. It's just, I can't pretend that I'm not in love with Sirius anymore." 

            Once more I stared at him. Stared and stared and stared.

            "You guys are in love?" I stuttered, "Seriously? In love?"

            "Yeh, sorry 'bout that," muttered Sirius jokingly. His dark skin was tinged a bit pink around his cheekbones, but there was a sparkle in his eyes that weren't usually there. Something I hadn't noticed. Most of the time his black eyes were clouded and sullen yet now I looked, there was a difference. Was that because of Remus?

            "You're in love with Moony, right?" I asked and now it was Sirius's turn to stare at me.

            "James, I can't describe how I feel about him. Do you have any idea what it's like? I mean, you see 'that person' and your breath catches in your throat and -" This was were I cut him off:

            "- And the pit of your stomach disappears and all you can think about is how perfect, how awe-strikingly flawless, that person is because whenever you see them the whole world comes to a standstill?" I questioned, "Like that moment is specially for you to savour your entire life? Yeh, I know what that's like." I finished, nodding.

            "Who?" came the unison reply.

            "Isn't it obvious?" I flung myself backwards on my bed and thumped my fists against the springy mattress. Problems always came back to her. Not that she caused problems - no way. I guess my life pretty much revolved round her. I would've gone to the ends of the Earth just to have Lily smile at me. If that was how Remus and Sirius felt about each other I wasn't going to stand in their way. And things had worked out for them, right?

            "Still hung up on Lily?" Sirius said raising his eyebrows, "Why don't you just take a gamble, ask her out. It's all we did..." he turned his eyes to look sickeningly soppily into Remus's.

            "Is it really that simple?"

            "Yep..." murmured Remus, leaning slightly towards Padfoot. I thought I saw their eyes flick hungrily to each others lips and realised I'd had enough.

            "OKAY! There's only so much I can take! But if you guys are going all drooly and mushy with each other then I'm just gonna have to leave!" I stood up and mock-stormed towards the door, grabbing my Silver Arrow. 

            "Bye Jamesie! Good luck!" Came the muted call after my retreating figure.

***

            I galloped down the steps to the Great Hall two at a time. 

            It was lunchtime and I was a very hungry teenage boy - not the calmest thing in the world, I know - plus I'd been flying and mulling things over in my head whilst high above the castle towers and spires. Everything from my, apparently gay, best friends who were salivating over each other and my 'current love interest' as Pete always put it. He was so formal that guy...

            Diving into the near empty Great Hall, I flung myself down on a bench at the Gryffindor table. Directly in front of me was a large steaming bowl of mashed potatoes. Leaning across I started heaving spoons of it onto the plate before me, before thinking better and just grabbing the whole dish, pouring a load of gravy over it and then eating straight out of it.

            I sighed inwardly as I ate. Mashed potatoes was the best comfort food in the world, and the Hogwarts kitchen elves made it best. 

            "Hungry?" came a laughing voice at my elbow and I whirled around, my cheeks bulging with creamy potato and meaty gravy. Obviously it was Lily, and I had to run through the possible courses of action: whether to gulp the food in my mouth down and say a quick 'hi' or try to speak round the mouthful so as to not seem rude. Before I could actually decide she chuckled and slid onto the seat next to me.

            "The potion's nearly ready," she said. My eyes widened and I finally forced down my food, "I think we should get the Transfiguration bit done first - y'know that transmigration thing? Cos the potion still needs to brew for a couple of nights. 

            Why didn't you come into Hogsmeade today?" she finished, bounced a crimson red apple in her left hand. Against her white skin it looked like a drop of flaming sunset, warm and vibrant. 

            And that was the moment, just then, just like that, that it hit me. Sirius was right - I should take a gamble, a risk; not throw in my cards before they'd even been dealt. I looked up at her and caught her glance.

            "Lily, do you wanna go out sometime?" I said. The words seemed really loud in my head and they bounced about with a reverberating echo. For one dreadful moment her face didn't move. It showed no emotion whatsoever.

            "On a date?" Lily questioned, her face now just appeared confused. I gulped. Suddenly I wondered why I hadn't felt more nervous about doing it and at that I got an odd twisting in my stomach. Why wouldn't she answer.

            "Oh James. I'm sorry," she started and my heart sank awkwardly. Maybe she'd gotten a boyfriend. Yes, that was it, who wouldn't want to go out with someone like Lily? Other than my two best friends, obviously... "Can I think about it?" Lily finished.

            Thinking about it was good. That wasn't a no. Or a yes, come to that. Was it perhaps a polite no? Oh Jesus...

            "Yeah, that's fine. Erm, when did you want to get this transmigration done?" I hurried on. To her credit, Lily did look suitable concerned but it passed quickly.

            "Tonight? Head Students Lounge? Meet you at 7?" 

            "Sounds good to me," I agreed and got up to go. I walked out of the Great Hall as calmly as possible, without looking as though I really, really wanted to get away from my stupidity. However the second I got outside I stomped up the stairs to the Common Room, punching the banisters and cursing under my breath.

A/N Wow! That's all I can really say (well, actually it isn't!) but WOW! I was shocked at the response to my last chapter – thank you all so much, especially to returning reviewers! As I said, the chapters will be coming slower, but I have the next one already started so hopefully out by Saturday! Keep reading!!!

**Professional scatterbrain – Thank you very much and you'll find out quite a bit more about Lily in the next chapter! **

**Hannah7 – Thanks! I was in floods of tears writing about James! Poor baby! Things will get better for him soon, bless!**

**Tv-fan-06 – Sorry I couldn't put a bit of Lily interaction in! I changed the people around a bit and I really wanted to post it! And here *hands over wrapped box* is your own personal James! He's pocket-sized!**

**Captain Oblivious – How right James was…! Sorry! I think R/S stuff is so cute! And I even put in your mashed potatoes! Keep reviewing – I love reading them! Yours are so funny!**

**Wicca Willow – Thank you! A different friend – who read this – told me it was too dark! So it's going to get happier! Thank you again!**

**CalliopeWithAQuill – Cool name! Now I understand it..! Anyhoo, I'm glad you came back to read my story! Please keep reading it! **

**Tinkerbellhp07 – No, I don't think I got your last review, blame FF.Net! But thanks for it anyway! I cried too! I love James too much – I can't stand letting him have teenage problems! And I even e-mailed you! Keep reading!!!**

**Merlana – Ohmigod! Thank you sooooooooo much! I awed at YOUR review!!! Wow, you seriously made my day with that! And I love my characters – they're based on my friends!**

**PunK-RoK – Wow, thank you! And I fully intend on keeping going (does that make sense?!)! Keep reading!!!**

**Da90schic – Thanks and here's another chapter!**

**Goddesgaia – Double thank you as you review Hannah7's story as well (I'm her beta – so much fun!).  I'm sorry it's depressing! Bit like real life, as you said, but it's great way to vent!**

**Angel Street – Thank you very much again! And I'm working my ass off trying to fit everything in! But the problem is I only wanna do this!!!! Keep reading!**

**Me – I use this story as my reality check too. No problem for writing it and please keep reading, it'll get better for James. Just like life always does!**

**Polkat – **

**Ok Kt, this is gonna take a while…! Firstly, I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Here is a bit of fluff for you! I couldn't just skip a bit of the story to fit in Remus and Sirius coming out! But here is the fluff – not very good, but there you go. It's hard to do R/S fluff as it's James POV, so unless he gets in with 'em… Noooooooooo!!!!!!! So your demand is partially met. Happy? Happier? Good. **

**And he only tried to kill himself once and his sister had just been murdered! He's got problems! And as I said early to other peeps, it will get nicer. He's over the first and possibly the second hurdle. He's doing well! **

**And thanks! I like my story too! And I like your R/S fluff bits. Cos I do actually read them, y'know! And I can so use GCSE's! Do you realise how much work I'm being given?!?!?!?! Well probably, but it's a lot and too much for me! I'm only little! And your dad was kind enough to tell the class we're all predicted A* or A in Maths (like hell that's gonna happen…) So I can use it. You can use A levels! Thank you again! I should've just e-mailed you or caught you at school, shouldn't I?**


	9. Turning Things Orange & Breaking Some Ba...

In front of me was orange. Everything. All I had done was ask Sirius to do something to take me mind off Lily. What he seemed to have done was try to turn my life into a chapter of 'James and the Giant Peach'.  
  
As I stepped through the door of the dormitory, I felt for a moment that I was inside a furnace. The walls were orange; the bed sheets were orange, the floor, the ceiling, the furniture - everything, EVERYTHING, was orange. On my bedside table was a selection of orange food: pumpkin pasties, carrot sticks, some scarily orange crisps that smelt vaguely of armpits.  
  
"Why orange?" I stuttered out to Sirius who was standing beside me, grinning broadly.  
  
"Why ever not o'buddy, o'pal, o'chum?"  
  
"Because it's rather... well..." I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I hadn't recently been a spectacularly great friend what with the Sirius- and-Remus-ness. I didn't have a problem with it, it just made me feel extremely ill at the thought of my two best friends... AAAARRRRGGGH!  
  
Ahem. Yes, anyway, I couldn't offend the guy.  
  
"It's rather interesting, wouldn't you say?" I finished lamely.  
  
"Good!" he beamed, "Wotsit?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Wotsit. Would you like a Wotsit? To eat!" He added seeing my face and brandished the bowl of armpit crisps at me. They were possibly the most lurid orange thing in the entire dormitory. They couldn't possibly be edible, could they?  
  
"Cheers, Sirius," I tentivley took one and shoved it in my mouth. Sirius looked pleased and turned away leaving me free to spit it silently out into my hand. Yep, tasted like armpits too. Not that I've ever eaten an armpit and therefore I can't really make an accurate comparison. However, I'm sure if Sirius ever unknowlingly licked an armpit he would smile broadly and proclaim - "Wotsits!"  
  
Weirdo...  
  
*  
  
It was 6:55pm and I was on my way to the Head Students Lounge. Lily occupied my mind. She'd said she'd think about it, and that was all I could do - think about it. Why? Why had a taken a gamble? I don't gamble! I have never been the type of guy to gamble on anything, let alone the single most perfect being in the entire history of the universe!  
  
And now... now I had to go and pretend everything was cool. If she said no then I just had to get on and do the stupid transmigration, and if she said yes... Well, life would be bloody brilliant if she said yes!  
  
I'd spent the afternoon with Sirius and Remus in our orange room, after I'd made them promise to never ever act... gay, in front of me. Ever. So that was good, it was like normal. I didn't want to know what they did, that was their business. And also it's a bit like watching someone snog your little cousin; it's just not something you really wanna be part of, y'know?  
  
As the door swung open, I saw Lily thumbing through a large Transfiguration book, a pair of slim glasses perched on the edge of her dainty nose, and her hair tucked casually behind one ear.  
  
"Hey," she looked up.  
  
"Hey." I replied. God dammit, I'm so suave. Not. What a stupid thing to say: 'Hey'. I mean you have stuff like hey! or hey you! or hey there! or even let's go make some frickin hay in a field! Maybe not. But anyway, hey was a pathetic word. Whoops, rambling again. Oh, how people must marvel at the inner workings of my arrogant, babbling, sexually-frustrated and all round freaky teenage mind!  
  
"Right, shall we get down to it?" Lily said, which of course set off so many more innuendo filled thoughts in my head. I just nodded in reply. I was, at that point, quite certain that if I opened my mouth I'd say something highly inappropriate and suggestive that she'd just walk out of the room in disgust. Aargh!  
  
I slumped down at the table and pulled the book towards me. It looked complicated. Very complicated. Only the Animagus transformations topped it. I smiled ruefully and glanced up at Lily.  
  
"Are you sure you can do this?" I questioned. Lily was pretty good at Transfiguration, but I severly doubted she'd ever tried anything this advanced.  
  
"Well, no. I thought you should try it first. You're way better at Transfiguration then me and I'm sure you and your friends have probably had a go at stuff like this before." she looked me dead in the eye, and I was almost convinced that she knew about us being Animagi.  
  
"Who've you been talking to?" I said sharply but she only looked confused.  
  
"No one, why?"  
  
"Not important. I didn't know you wore glasses." I commented, looking back down at the book again. I was almost positive I could do it first time. It seemed, to me at any rate, a bit like Legilimency - something my dad had taught me when I'd turned seventeen. I wasn't great at it, but was improving. Odd that I hadn't spotted the whole Sirius and Remus thing, thinking about it...  
  
"Only for reading," she was saying, offhandedly, "So, you can do it then?"  
  
"I think so. But you'll have to take your glasses off. My mental picture of you doesn't include them and McGonagall said it was easier if you 'matched', you could say."  
  
"Do I need to take anything else off? I can have a fair guess at what teenage boys' mental pictures might include," Lily smirked and removed the spectacles. I felt my face flush bright red but she just laughed.  
  
"Have... have," I stuttered, trying desperately to regain my composure, "Have you read the bit about what it might feel like? The transmigration?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah - it's fine," Lily moved to the centre of the room and looked up, "Here okay?" She waved her arms about a bit as if to emphasise the space around her, a silly grin on her face. That made me slightly more relaxed and I grinned at her from my chair.  
  
"Right... um, so I just say the incantation and it should at least start to work. I'm gonna stay sitting down cos I don't really know if my body will have any control without my spirit. Ready?" I looked at her, my wand poised and pointed directly at her head. Lily inclined her head shakily and I noticed that she'd caught her bottom lip in her teeth - a sign that she was extremely nervous.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I spoke loud and clear, my voice ringing around the ceiling beams with a sinister echo.  
  
"Iubere contra-corpus!"  
  
It was possibly the most terrifying experience of my life. The resulting magic practically blew me off the sofa. It was the same incredible wave of energy, I am sure, that Moses felt as he parted the sea for the Israelites. It was like the downrush of a nuclear cloud. There was a strong metallic taste in my mouth and my teeth ached. Everywhere had a crackling like lightening and I could feel my hair rippling as if in a strong wind.  
  
At the same time, however, I didn't really see any of this. There was no body of mine left, no weight for my limbs; I tried to look down at them prior to grasping that I no longer had eyes.  
  
All around me there was a fierce tugging, one that led back to my own flesh and another that I knew came from Lily. I mentally pushed my own body away and there was the sensation of being caught in a whirlpool.  
  
I fell through something - space, time - spiralling downwards, ever downwards. And then I hit and a rush of images and pictures...  
  
...a young girl sat on a wooden swing in the rain. She looked about five years old and was incredible skinny. The rain spattered onto the yellowing grass of the lawn. It smelt like the air does after a storm, the stinging scent of ozone. She had a sharp pointed nose dotted with ginger freckles and huge emerald eyes that didn't fit her fragile face. Her short cut hair was bedraggled and lanky, some strands sticking to her cheeks from a mixture of grease and tears...  
  
...the same girl standing this time with another, who had blond curls, a horse-like mouth and traintrack braces. The stood together looking down into a large open coffin where a slim lady with a striking medieval face and a banner of smooth auburn hair lay stone still. The sour odour of mortician's wax lingered in the air...  
  
...the girl older, in a badly fitted Catholic school uniform...  
  
...then curled up under a bed as shouts and yells filled the room...  
  
...sitting in a musty attic, the girl looking out of a filthy window over at hundreds of houses, back to back in long terraces, the sky filled with dense black smoke from industrial chimmneys...  
  
...running across a concrete playground...  
  
...dropping a stack of books in a busy corridor...  
  
...a mans hand slamming into her pale face...  
  
...the mans hot breath over her face and a hand creeping down her rigid, scared body...  
  
"STOP IT!"  
  
The was a gunshot bang and I was thrown back into my body. The impact of my own skin punched at my soul with a bruised fist, and for a moment I felt dazed. My sight was hazy behind my lenses and my head swam.  
  
What I had seen were Lily's memories from childhood. That girl had been Lily before Hogwarts. It was odd seeing her as a child. Before she'd grown into her facial features she'd appeared unsightly, almost misshapen, and it shocked me to think the beautiful girl now sitting across from me had once been an ugly duckling.  
  
Rubbing my temples, I looked up for her. She was coiled up on the floor as if she'd been stabbed in the stomach. Her shoulders quivered but no sound came from her.  
  
"Lil? Lily?" I stood up, despite the world swaying, and kneeled down by her. "Are you okay?" My hand brushed her arm and suddenely she jumped back, her eyes wild and animal. There was a spot of blood on her bottom lip from where she'd bit it too hard and her breath came in short, sharp gasps.  
  
"Don't touch me!" she whimpered.  
  
"Lil?" I tried to catch her wrist again but she wrenched it out of my way.  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she yelled.  
  
"But Lily- !"  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T! PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME! I'M SORRY!" Lily sobbed, backing against the sofa arm, "PLEASE! IT WAS A STUPID IDEA! WE NEVER SHOULD'VE DONE IT! DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!!"  
  
I couldn't stand it. She was babbling whilst weeping pathetically into her folded arms and she looked so small and defenceless, more like the girl I'd seen a few moments ago. Deciding to step closer, I tried to speak as calmly as possible.  
  
"Will you sit down on the sofa? Please?" I murmered. Thankfully she made no reply and sat down, still shaking. I sat at the far end. "What happened there?"  
  
Lily shrugged at me,  
  
"Stupid idea," she muttered. Her eyes burned bright and hurt, glistening with tears and red around the lids.  
  
"Who were those people?" I tried.  
  
"My... my family," came the hiccoughed reply, "The blond girl is Petunia. Was Petunia when we were younger. That was at my mum's funeral, the lady in the casket." I nodded, willing her silently to go on. "And the man... He's..."  
  
"Your dad?"  
  
"Yes," her voice broke as she whispered the single word. To me, the silence stretched on and on; the room grew cold. Had Malfoy been right?  
  
"Why does he do that to you?" I choked out, mainly to myself.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," she snapped viciously at me.  
  
"Don't think for a second I'm stupid, Lily," I retorted, "I have eyes and ears -"  
  
"So believe everything people say?!" She spat.  
  
"No! But I know what I saw," I said defiantly, "And so do you."  
  
For a few moments she stayed silent, glaring at me with those deep impenatrable eyes of hers. Finally she sighed and looked away.  
  
"He says I look too much like my mother. That I'm punishing him by looking at him with her eyes in my face. Then he gets drunk, and he believes that I'm her. Back from the dead..." the last word lingered in the air, where it rested heavy and solid.  
  
I sat back into the sofa. There was so much she was leaving unsaid and so much I wanted to ask her. But I couldn't think what to say. What kind of thing could I have said? It was obvious Lily had had far more pain in her life than I had. Sirius was right when he'd told me I had it good.  
  
"Was what Malfoy said..?" I left the question hanging.  
  
"True?" she finished and blinked back fresh tears in her dewy meadow green eyes, "Yeah, I guess," she added a nonchalant shrug as if it was the answer to a throwaway question that meant nothing.  
  
"I'm... sorry." I said lamely, but Lily just fixed me with an empty look. There was no emotion left there - not even a hint of suffering marred the glistening globes.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he... he... did that to you. Because he hurt you." came my stuttered reply.  
  
"You saying sorry isn't going to make it any better, James! It won't stop! It's not that simple!" She jumped up and away from me. Red heads' tempers didn't have a reputation for nothing; Lily's would leap from desperately calm to a inferno of an ire.  
  
"I know it's not that simple!" I retorted, "But it doesn't have to happen! You can't let him do that to you! You're seventeen, you're an adult!"  
  
"Doesn't mean I don't get scared! The fact it can stop doesn't mean I can make it stop!"  
  
"You're scared of him, Lil'. Even now I can see it," I reached out to her again and she pulled back as my hand brushed her face, "See? You don't let people touch you."  
  
"I do!" she insisted, looking for all the world like a caged animal.  
  
"Just not me?"  
  
"Not... not..." Lily stuttered, "Not just you." She finished lamely.  
  
"Sirius?" she shook her head. "No men?" Looking away with new tears in her eyes she nodded furiously. "Not every man is like your father," I whispered.  
  
"I find that hard to believe. How can I have faith in any man? Surely you must understand? What with your mother and sister."  
  
My heart stopped. "What do you mean?" I gasped. She shrugged at me.  
  
"Well, everyone knows: your mother abandoned you and your sister's dead." She spoke as if it were a simple fact but my blood was beginning to simmer as I took a trembling breath.  
  
"Stop making this about me! That doesn't prove anything!"  
  
"They left you. They've gone. The most important women in your life have disappeared. The second any girl gets close to you, you cling at them like a drowning man! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Lily had sat down again, looking at me with a mixture of confusion and searching on her face.  
  
"Of course it means something, but I've never known any mother other than Augusta, my step-mother. My mother, as such, is no more than a stranger to me. She doesn't stir any great love or emotion. To me, she isn't even family. My family are the people who love me - my father, Augusta, my two brothers, Sirius, Remus and Peter. They're my family.  
"And Topaz died. She was murdered, it wasn't as though she ran away, she didn't desert me. She didn't want to go..." I choked, the memory of my sister fresh in my mind, "And so what if I cling? Everyone needs something to cling to, someone to adore. Your sister loves you, doesn't she? Petunia?"  
  
However, Lily shook her head again.  
  
"Petunia stopped talking to me when I got my Hogwarts letter. She thinks I'm a freak. But then again so does the whole of Slytherin House. It's no change when I go home except her saying nothing is worse then having 'Mudblood' hurled at me everyday. In truth, I don't belong to either world - too much of a Witch to be a Muggle, and too much of a Muggle to be a Witch," she sighed.  
  
I couldn't believe it.  
  
"Don't you dare think that! You're a Witch! It's just the Slytherins who rely on the purity of blood! Think it makes them better then everyone else! But look at me! Look at Sirius! We can trace our Wizarding lineage back to the Middle Ages but we don't care if you're Muggle-born! It makes no difference!" I burst out. She couldn't truly believe something as petty as that. This was Lily - the cleverest witch in the school with twelve OWL's already under her metephorical belt.  
  
"Ah, but I'm always going to be a Muggle-born, aren't I? If I ever had a child with a pure-blood then they would be half-blood. Every person born from then on would never be a true Wizard or Muggle. I could ruin generations of Witches and Wizards to come!"  
  
"You don't really believe that do you?"  
  
"It's fact, James."  
  
"But you don't believe that it matters? Why would you think something so ridiculous? So petty? I'd marry you whether you were an uber-Muggle or -" I broke off and went red. I'd barely asked Lily out and already I was saying I'd quite happily walk down the aisle with her. Yeah, James, real smooth - she'll definately want to go out with you now! Not. "I mean, it really, REALLY doesn't matter.  
"No offence, but your family have seriously messed you up."  
  
"So what? Big effing deal! You know what? - I don't think I want to go out with you if you're going to be so bloody righteous all the time! You can't just divide the human race into good and bad, true and false, black and white! There are shades of grey. You don't understand." Lily began to storm towards the door, grabbing her wand and Transfigurtion books.  
  
I remained, for a moment, stock still and gazing in disbelief, before I leapt over the back of the sofa. As she flung the door open, I seized her arm and knocked the things she was carrying out of her hands. Lily spun round, the candlelight shining through her hair in a soft amber glow. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes wide with surprise.  
  
Slowly, painstakingly deliberate, I slid one trembling hand along the curve of her jawbone and up to rest under her hair at the back of her neck. I could feel small goosebumps over the skin beneath my touch. She was so close that our breath mingled together, warm and sweet like summer air. For a moment my mind went blank. I was caught, totally caught, in that split second, where the world stood still life in a painting that remains hung in the gallery of my mind years later.  
  
Moving awkwardly, I pressed my lips gently against hers. It was barely a kiss and Lily neither pushed me away or responded. I pulled back slowly looking down at her. Tears had spilt over onto her cheeks once more, my heart gave a painful thud at the sight.  
  
"Sorry," I murmered, "I'm sorry..." Turning away, I bent down to pick up her books which had fallen to the floor, my fingers curling around the spines. Lily sank down next to me and with two hands peeled my fingers off the books, looking me straight in the eyes as the books slipped back to the carpet.  
  
Once more I couldn't move. Couldn't drag my eyes away from hers as she solemnly shook her head.  
  
"Don't be sorry," she whispered thickly, a fresh wave of tears rolling onto her skin. "Look at us," she choked out, grinning lopsidly, "What a pair we make. Kneeling on the floor, you apologising everytime I start weeping like a loser."  
  
Lily lent over and, in the same way I had, placed her hand gently on my neck, right above my pulse. Her other hand pulled my glasses off my nose and smoothed the rough skin on my cheeks with one thumb.  
  
When she kissed me, there weren't any fireworks. There was no sweeping orchestral music in the background. But it was perfect.  
  
Thank you all so much for being patient with me! Thank you to all the reviewers who are now reading this for coming back and staying interested! Trust me, I know how annoying it is to have to wait for chapters! Last of all I want you all to go visit this story () of Hannah7's, who I beta for, cos it's lovely and I'm very jealous not to have written it myself!  
  
THANK YOUS.  
  
PunK-RoK: Thank you for all three of your reviews! Here is the kiss you wanted! Soooo hard to write! And my friend is feeling much better now, she's doing good, hope you are too.  
  
Captain Oblivious - Sorry! He can swing both ways, just for you! Hope your not too shocked and keep reading! Thaaaaaaank yooooooou!  
  
Hannah7 - Look, I updated! And I love love love the lil story! So am sending all who read this to it (*points above*). And would I kill the gorgeous Sirius and Remus?!?!?! Hell no!  
  
Polkat - You, you, who lost me reviewers! I don't mind actually, just proves there are more David's in the world than I originally thought. But look! I've updated FINALLY!!! Be proud! Need to work a Fiddler song in somewhere don't you think?  
  
meredythe - Thank you! Yes I LOVE James! I wish people wrote more about him cos he's so adorable!  
  
tinkerbellhp07 - Sorry to scare you with Sirius/Remus-ness, but I like that pairing. Just an opinion! Thank you so much for coming back! *Hug*  
  
Musicizdbest - Woah, thank you so much! Don't worry, I have the secret keeper thing all worked out. But thank you thank you thank you! And I love the Beatles too. And your review was not annoying in the slightest - it amused me greatly!  
  
Babygal - Yay! I didn't lose one! Seriously though, there will be barely any Sirius/Remus stuff because it's James POV. I just think they're an adorable couple. But, as I said, thank you! I knew not everyone would like slashy-ness so here's some L/J fluff! Mmmm!  
  
Sarah  
  
Slate07  
  
Unhealthily-Obsessed  
  
Hwesta - I was eating an apple whilst writing my apple-sunset bit. Glad you liked it! And you have to come back too often as FF.Net keep saying I'm breaking restrictions (which I'm not. Sulk.) And I LOVE REMUS AND SIRIUS AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T!!! ( Wandless  
  
Willow182  
  
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Also thank you to those who have me on Author Alert and haven't reviewed! Please review because I love you! *puppy dog eyes*:  
  
child-of-scorpio Bookworm141 allie kat05 tv-fan-06 Piperfan2 LunaLovegood920 Momofh  
  
Oh, and hi Michael (Whiteriver, you big GIRL!) if you're reading this.  
  
I'll update as soon as I can! Thank you all! 


	10. Being Crazy & Being Gorgeous

I had, and probably still do have, the problem of getting overly attached to people. I'll find one person who interests me and seems interested in me, and I'll cling to them. Like a leech. For a while things run smoothly. My obsession and I get on fantastically and the world appears light and airy and then... BAM! It just stops. Just like that.  
  
I can't tell you the number of friends and girlfriends, in particular, I've lost due to this flaw - as that is what it is, a flaw. Sirius thinks it's because I didn't have a proper mother. That's wrong though. Augusta was a great mother to me and did everything she could to try and make me happy. Yet it never really worked. In my heart I always believed that your own children, their own children, were more special. What did it matter if Augusta and my father brought me up, taught me how to write and read? It didn't. They could never fill the void.  
  
But anyway, this is where the problem is, see? Lily. Suddenley there was this angel... this vision of perfection... kissing me. Weird. Guys like me just don't get girls like her - it didn't happen. I was no handsome prince who with one touch could make her a goddess!  
  
So what did I do? What do you think I did? I panicked. Half my brain was jigging for joy whilst the other half was freaking out and running dizzying circles round and round. 'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!' the Inner Me shrieked.  
  
Crazy, right?  
  
Well, that's me. Crazy James Potter who hears voices in his head.  
  
It took me a while to realise through my meandering thoughts, that I was still kissing Lily. I was still knelt in the doorway, my hand still on the back of her no-longer goosepimpled neck, her books still scattered across the floor and I was STILL panicking.  
  
Slowly, I pulled back already to say something suave and seductive, but then... But then she opened her eyes.  
  
'SAY SOMETHING!' Inner James yelled. 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT!'  
  
I was caught like a damned deer in some headlights. My brain switched off and my mouth seemed incapable of speeh. She was beautiful. Her eyes. I could've drowned in those eyes a thousand times and then a thousand times more and never tired of it.  
  
'SAY SOMETHING!!!' my mind screamed once more.  
  
"I... I..." I mumbled, "I..." I stared around desperately for something even slightly normal to say - anything!  
  
"What?" urged Lily.  
  
"I think you're gorgeous."  
  
The second it left my lips, my hand flew up and slapped my mouth shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say. Really stupid! For a split second I stared stunned at her as I swore vehemently inside my mind over and over again. "I mean... You... I... We... we should really pick these books up."  
  
I practically hurled myself at the books, snatching up the leather bound volumes from the floor and not quite daring to look at Lily. My Lily. I gathered the books haphazardly in both my arms and half shoved them into her hands.  
  
"Well," I started, whipping my glasses off the floor beside Lily and nervously polishing them on my robe sleeve, "well, I guess I'll see you round. Bye." And then I ran. I think she called after me and in retrospect perhaps it wasn't the best thing to have done.  
  
But I was TERRIFIED.  
  
"You actually said that?  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You said 'I think you're gorgeous.'?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Those exact words?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Sirius studied me critically for a moment, nodding his head understandingly. Then he burst out laughing. I flung myself back onto my bed as his howls of mirth simply washed over me.  
  
"Dude, you screwed up."  
  
"I realised that, Sirius. Thank you so much for pointing it out." I said the words from behind clenched teeth.  
  
"But...laugh... Jamesie... snort... Why?"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
For a second he looked vaguely serious. "You know if you'd been waiting for the opportune moment to bag Lily Evans, I think that was it."  
  
"I KNOW!" I yelled and hit my fist against the wall in frustration. Okay, in extreme frustration. When I pulled my hand out of the rather new large dent in our dorm wall, the knuckles were grazed and bleeding.  
  
"Now, dear, that wasn't very nice, was it?" sniffed the mirror opposite my bed.  
  
"Oh, get lost, both of you!" I huffed and rolled over onto my bed, my nose pressed into the pillow and my glasses smushed up against my brow. I cradled my now-throbbing hand to my chest and had the flashing memory of the first cut I'd ever made in my skin. The way the two sides of flesh had pulled, almost sank, away from each other and filled with droplets of red, red blood like tears...  
  
I shook myself. The memories cut deeper than any blade could even though I'd stopped. Was trying to stop. "Sirius, what am I going to do?"  
  
"Just be yourself," Sirius exclaimed jumping up and sitting down beside my curled up form.  
  
"I've tried being myself and look where that got me! I always try and be myself and I just get stupid and then go crazy!" I could feel tears nearly springing to my eyes.  
  
"We all go a little mad sometimes, James."  
  
"No. Not like me. You don't go round putting holes in walls!" I whimpered.  
  
"Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself! It's one girl! One time! One stupid thing! That's all! I mean, do you like this girl, James? Really like her?"  
  
"Well," I muttered, frowning slightly, "Of course I do."  
  
"And do you stop liking her when she does stupid things? Like when she got her hair in her inkwell last Tuesday? Or when she swish-flicked into Peter's stomach in Charms once?" I could see Sirius grinning at the memory  
  
"No." I admitted.  
  
"So what have you got to worry about?! Nothing! Come on, you and Lily were practically made for each other. You two are gonna go out, get married, by a little place in the country for your two-point-four children and Labrador to grow up in and live happily ever after. I promise!"  
  
I threw a pillow at him, knocking him sideways, but he just gave a bark of laughter and dodged it.  
  
"We are NOT going to have two-point-four children!" Trying to hit him again, this time with a large velvet cushion, I added, confused, "A Labrador?"  
  
"Yes. It's a type of dog, James. Remember those? Big furry things that say 'woof'. Ring any bells?" Sirius smirked, seeing he was successfully irritating me. "And you're right. You won't have two-point- four kids. I mean, at least five!"  
  
"You - are - not - helping!" I exclaimed thumping him inbetween each word.  
  
"Well, come on then! Get over your big-insecure-self and ask her out! There's that concert next week down in Hogsmeade. You guys could go to that."  
  
I scrunched up my nose a bit - a habit of mine when something didn't really impress me. Concerts in Hogsmeade weren't exactly thrilling, first- date material. When I said this to Sirius, however, he disagreed. "It'd be perfect, James. You wouldn't have to do much talking and if it's crap then you can laugh about it afterwards," he sniffed distainfully, "Well, I thought it was a good idea..."  
  
"It is! It's just..." I stumbled slightly over the words in my head. I wasn't sure myself what it was to be honest with you. "I'm just scared is all." I finished rather weakly. But it was the truth. How could I not be scared? I mean, most teenager boys don't - although I'm sure some of them do manage to make a girl they adore cry. Then kiss them. At least she wasn't crying whilst I was kissing her... I'm not that much of a loser.  
  
"I think you should walk up to her and say 'Lily, I know I was a bit weird when we did the trans-i-what-sit-thingy,'" I raised an eyebrow here at Sirius' stunning terminology, "'But I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime'. It's not that difficult." he grinned his big dopey grin that reminded me so much of the lovable Padfoot. "C'mon James! I wanna tease you about her afterwards!!!"  
  
"Which obviously is a great incentive for me to do that..." I drawled sarcastically.  
  
"No, no, no - not like that. I just wanna, I dunno, grab your cheek and go 'aaw! Our little James is growing up!' y'know. Nothing drastic. You're surely not going to deny me of that, are you?" he looked at me imploringly with big brown puppy-dog eyes. For a moment I surveyed him suspisciously before sighing exaggeratedly.  
  
"Fine," I muttered, sulkily, as Sirius whooped and hugged me, "Get off!" I tried to sound irritated but it's hard to be fiercesome whilst your best friend is cutting off your oxygen supply. Instead, I smiled to myself ignoring Sirius' redition of 'James and Lily sitting in a tree...'. I was going to ask her out, properly this time.  
  
I strode down to the boys staircase to the Common Room. Barely anyone was there as most people had opted to either revise in the library or run around outside.  
  
Glancing round I spotted Lily immediately. She was sat by the fire side, wearing her glasses again and pouring over what I recognised to be our Potions homework. Once again I was struck by how beautiful she was and I wondered for a second, why no one else seemed to have seen it.  
  
Walking over, she looked up and pulled her glasses off, setting them down on her parchment.  
  
"So, Lily..." I started as I sat down in the armchair opposite her, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running off and being a complete idiot earlier, to put it mildly. I really, really am. And you were right, I do cling. A lot. But I was wondering," I averted my gaze as her emerald eyes were fixed on my face, expressionless. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me perhaps... erm..."  
  
"Are you asking me out again?" Lily asked bluntly.  
  
"Wh- ? Oh, yes. Yes, I am." I stammered.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Okay. I'll go out with you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"James," she said gently, leaning towards me, "Did you think I'd say no?"  
  
"I tried not to consider that one, but yeah, I did kinda..." I shrugged.  
  
She smiled then. Such a pretty, pretty smile. The kind angels have. And she leaned forward, her hand brushing my cheek softly. It made me shiver slightly. Normally I would've thought that it was damn bloody hormones, but, whatever it was, was fine by me. If being a teenager meant feeling that about someone - who cared?  
  
"Well, aren't you sweet?" she murmered. Lily stood up, gathering her parchment and books in her arms and turned to go. She bent to pick up her quill and then kissed me on the cheek, her smooth lips wonderfully sweet against the prickly unshaved skin of my face. "Night, Potter."  
  
I whipped my head round, a hand slapped to my kissed cheek, to watch her go, not noticing Sirius settling down in her vacant seat.  
  
"How the hell does she do that?" I croaked.  
  
"Don't ask me, mate. I'm gay," came Sirius' voice. I turned, still holding my cheek as if it would fall off and just gazed at my friend. I shook my head,  
  
"You don't know what you're missing, Padfoot. You don't know what you're missing..."  
  
A/N:  
  
A slightly shorter chapter than usually - sorry, as always, for the delay, but I have been working on some other things I want to post on FF.Net. If anyone is interested is beta-ing for me then either leave a signed review or your e-mail. I'm currently writing a pre-Hogwarts Lily fic and a Draco/Harry slash. I've asked one of my friends to beta the D/H but I'm kinda nervous about posting it so would like another opinion from someone else just to make sure! Next chapter will be soon I promise, promise, promise! I will not fail you! And if you have any ideas or constructive cristicism or anything I would love to hear! Review!!!  
  
Anawiel -x-  
  
Thank you's:  
  
SaMBraT – I also do not like green eggs and ham..!  
  
Polkat – I resent your comments. And don't start with the whole 'Lucy-this- took-you-ages-blah-blah' cos I saw PoA before you so I'm better than you and there is a definite SR moment! I thought of you and laughed too loudly. And look – James is happy!  
  
pRoNgSMoOnYPaDfOoT - Thank you and sorry it's taken so long!  
  
Six83 - Thank you so much! I so glad your sister likes this! Vielen Dank!  
  
Hannah7 - Thank you v.much and keep the next chapter coming (although I know I'm not one to talk...!)  
  
PunK-RoK - Yup, they must get together and be all troubled together so we can go 'aaawwww'. Thank's as always!  
  
Captain Oblivious - I think orange is a great colour like Sirius! And they're together now - yaaaaaaaay!  
  
child-of-scorpio- Please do not kill me for updating so slowly! Will try to do better!!!! 


	11. Rock'n'Roll & A Touch of Soul

A/N Having posted a two chapters for a different story that has not had much response, I am now asking you (hear that, asking, pleeeeading!) if you like this story please just give it a quick read and submit any constructive criticism! Plus, I need you all to promise to read a pre-Inner Workings Lily fic when I post it! Go it? Good!  
  
Now are you sitting comfortably? Then, I'll begin......  
  
I stood in front of my mirror, nervously ruffling my hair. It had a habit of sticking up at the front that didn't match the rest of my head and so I was desperately trying to make it even. In the past I'd tried flattening it but had rapidly learnt that it would never work.  
  
There was a quick knock at the door and Remus walked in. He grinned at me and I grimaced back trying to convey the weird bubbling terror inside of me.  
  
"How's it going then?" he asked, sitting down on the foot of my bed as I returned to the looking-glass that was offering helpful comments that I readily ignored. I sighed and finally gave up on my hair. For some people there was simply no hope when it came to this kind of thing.  
  
"I feel like my intestines are attempting to mountaineer up my throat with small pickaxes. How are you?" Remus just laughed and stood up to straighten my tie. "How am I gonna do this, Moony? I mean, I've never been this nervous about a date and it's Lily. I know her and like her."  
  
"Maybe that's what's making it harder," Remus suggested after he finished re-doing my tie with a much neater knot, "The fact you're actually going out with a girl you like for, what, the first ever time," I glowered at him, even though I knew he was right, as he continued. "Just think of it as 'time with Lily' not 'first date with Lily'."  
  
I blanched. First date. Oh, bloody hell...! Remus shook my shoulders and looked me directly in the eye. "You'll be fine," he assured, "Just don't pull any of that usual crap you do with girls. I know what you can be like."  
  
"Are you calling me a serial-dater?" I asked.  
  
"No! Of course not! Just remember," He tapped my chest, "But be yourself. You have a habit of being... odd when you go on dates. Or maybe you're just odd around girls in general..." He mused and it was me who grabbed his shoulders to shake him this time, although slightly more erratically than he had.  
  
"What do you mean? Tell me! Oh my God - I'm going to be a complete prat, aren't I?" I yelled.  
  
"No... you... won't, if... you just... stop... bloody shaking me or I wallop you!" Remus shouted between shakes. With surprising strength, he threw me - right over his shoulder! - onto my bed where I lay, stunned. "You. Will. Be. Fiiiiine." He said, pointing menacingly at me.  
  
I gulped.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Good," he grinned pleasantly, "Have a nice afternoon. Oh," he turned back on his way out, "Do something about you're hair, would you?"  
  
I waited by the main doors, shuffling my newly polished shoes against the slate floor, constantly checking my watch. I had removed my tie, deciding it was too formal and also too warm, before changing my mind and running to get Remus to do it again for me as my hands had been shaking so violently at that point.  
  
Now, however, I was left with only my thoughts for company. A couple of acquaintances had stopped momentarily to ask how I was and where I was taking Lily but apart from that I had been waiting alone for nearly ten minutes.  
  
Hearing footsteps on the marble staircase to my left I looked up to see her. Lily was wearing a bright blue mini-dress, the kind I had seen Muggle girls wearing a lot in the past summer and had been assured was fashionable. Anyway, fashionable or not, she looked gorgeous. Her hair was half up loosely and the rest around her face and flowing down her back; her dress finished about halfway up her thigh - the same place where I remembered her robe had been in our fifth year DADA OWL, the memory a quick jolt in the back of my mind - and she had short heeled sandal things on. Don't ask me about shoes though, I have never had a clue...  
  
"Ready?" she asked, coming to a standstill next to me, "Where are we going?"  
  
"Hogsmeade," I choked out before adding, in a somewhat stupid voice, "You look really, really pretty." She just smiled the sweetest smile ever and kissed my cheek like she had before.  
  
"You look really pretty, too," she grinned.  
  
Linking her arm through mine we stepped out of the Entrance Hall and down the steps. The March sun had just begun to set as we walked down the main drive of the school.  
  
We talked about normal things: Quidditch, schoolwork, the recent gossip at school, and before I knew it we had reached Hogsmeade. The town was relatively quiet on the outside, although this was deceptive due to the heavy silencing spells round most of the buildings. Someone was walking along the street pointing his wand at the streetlights and a tiny ball of flame would rise up into it's glass case, high above the road.  
  
I led Lily off the main drag and down Umfraville Street to the bar where us Marauders had often gone. It was called the Mermaid & Time-Turner and the sign depicting these two images hung above the door.  
  
It was a cosy place. As we walked in the proprietor, a Mister Jacob Sones greatly us warmly (he was an old friend of Augusta's who I had known pretty much all my life). Taking our coats and showing us to a table near one of the windows, he presented us with two menus and told us 'the entertainment will begin in about an hour, so plenty of time for a quick bite.' Only I got this small joke, however, for Jacob was a vampire and it wasn't until he left the table with our drinks order that I quietly told Lily this.  
  
"Is he really?" she gasped, "How fascinating! I've never met one before." She peered over my shoulder towards the bar. Nevertheless when he returned, Lily buried herself in her menu - much to mine and Jacob's amusement - and was rather cautious as she lifted her head to take a sip of her dandelion, burdock and billywig cocktail.  
  
"Don't worry - he's perfectly harmless," I studied the menu, my eyes immediately landing on the steak and fries. "So," I started, "What do you think you'll have?"  
  
"Erm... I don't know. I've never been here. What's the chicken like?"  
  
"Can either be great or really greasy."  
  
"Hmm, okay... oh! What about the spaghetti?"  
  
"Good choice."  
  
"Can I have fries with that?" she raised her eyebrow.  
  
"Of course - this is my treat remember," I smiled and relayed our choice to Jacob who seemed to be paying close attention to our table. It occurred to me, he'd probably be telling my father about this date.  
  
As we ate we talked about Quidditch. I already knew that Lily supported the Falmouth Falcons - how could I forget the t-shirt on Christmas morning?! But I was curious as to why she'd never tried out for the Gryffindor team.  
  
"Can't fly," she shrugged, lifting a couple of fries into her mouth, "I would love to be able to fly, even a little bit. I just think it's the pinnacle of wizardry - ever since I was a little girl and I read stories about that kind of thing."  
  
"I bet you could fly if you just gave it a go," I licked a bit of salt from my fingers, "I could teach you if you want."  
  
"No way!" Lily laughed, "First year I could barely get the broomstick off the ground, let alone stay on it!"  
  
"You might've gotten better,"  
  
"I doubt it. Anyway, you've got enough to do without teaching some pathetic girly to ride a broomstick!"  
  
"I think it would be fun," I insisted, leaning across to steal Lily's last fries from the small white bowl beside her, "And I always have time to teach a pathetic girly to fly."  
  
"Wow, I feel so special," Lily beamed.  
  
The doors at the back of the bar had been open for a while now and we'd been able to hear the band playing for a while. Once our plates had been cleared we got up and went to the hall. The walls were black and flashing lights filled the room. We smirked at each other after watching the band for a minute or two. They weren't exactly the greatest musicians in the world!  
  
Despite the rather bad music, we had a great laugh. We danced a bit. Lily had her arms wrapped tight around my neck and I could feel her breath on my face when we spoke. She also had the unnerving ability to move her hips in a way that made me have to think of thinks like times-tables for a while. I think she noticed as she suddenly got a teasing smile on her face and just did it more.  
  
What surprised me most of all was that Sirius and Remus had both been right. It was fine and easy and the best date I had been on for ages - probably ever. Lily was fun and it was more like being out with a friend. Apart from my strong desire to kiss her every single second.  
  
We walked back together, hand in hand, laughing about the band. We had bid a goodnight to Jacob who had given Lily a fantastic grin that showed off his pointed incisors fantastically. Luckily she took it well.  
  
It was cold out so I had a great excuse halfway home to hug her around the shoulders and share my cloak with her. Once we'd past the final house on the edge of Hogsmeade, we had fallen into a peaceful silence.  
  
The dark sky was clear and the half moon shone brightly next to the other stars in the sky. I had learned to appreciate the night sky more since finding out about Remus. It was obvious that other thing could govern earthly matters.  
  
Lily stopped to sit down.  
  
"It's these bloody shoes," she muttered rubbing the soles of her feet as we sat next to each other on the side of the dirt track that led past the Forbidden Forest to the school itself.  
  
"I'll carry you if you want," I offered and immediately regretted it.  
  
She looked up at me, one of her shoes still in her hand. She had that half puzzled, half nervous look on her face again. She looked away, pursing her lips and putting her shoe down next to the other one, which lay upside down at her side.  
  
"James," Lily started, "I like you." Oh God, I thought, there's a 'but' coming isn't there? "And you are a wonderful guy..."  
  
"But..." I added not daring to look at her. Her hand caught my cheek, gently turning my eyes to look at her.  
  
"But, I want to know that you'll be honest with me."  
  
I was stunned. What the hell did she mean? "James, I mean, either you promise to be truthful with me and not mess me around and tell me how you're feeling and all or that... Or we're friends and nothing more."  
  
"I don't get it. Why would you doubt that I'd be honest with you?"  
  
"I mean, I'd want you to tell me stuff."  
  
"Like what?" I told you, girls confuse me and this was certainly that. Girls had never even wanted me to be open with them. No. They had always wanted me to be 'James Potter'.  
  
I remember one girl I went out with for nearly two months in my fifth year - Donna Higgins. Every time I'd tried to talk to her about something serious she'd just laugh and fluttered her hands at me. 'Oh don't be so ridiculous, James!' she'd say and then promptly change the subject - often to talk about her part-time job as a model of Teen Witch which bored me to the depths of my skull.  
  
"James," Lily touched my arm, "After you're sister died and you... went into hospital..." She looked terrified and I could almost hear her mind saying 'after you tried to kill yourself', "I was... so afraid. I had barely even gotten to know you and I thought we had, and still do have, a great friendship. And I was worried, James," She looked up at me with stained glass eyes as she tightened her grip on my upper arm, "I thought that I'd never get the chance to... to..." She trailed off, searching desperately for words.  
  
"To what?" I prompted, "Tell me, Lil, please."  
  
"To hold you," she whispered, "To lie next to you and feel your heart fluttering like the night in the Head's lounge last December," she gulped nervously, "To know who you are. I don't want James Potter the Head Boy; James Potter the Quidditch Captain; James Potter the Eligible, Rich And Out- of-Your-League Bachelor. I want you. So, so, so much that it hurts James.  
"And when Peter told me you were... you know, I couldn't help but keep thinking about the time in fifth year when I told you you made me sick. Because you only made me sick because I wanted desperately for you to be perfect. Ever since, I don't know," she threw her arms half-heartedly in the air, "Second, third year, I watched you and I wanted to know you. You..." Lily stared me in the eyes and swept and stray piece of hair into the clip at the back of her head.  
  
"Would you promise to be honest with me?" I asked. My voice sounded weird and gravelly.  
  
"Yes. Of course," she nodded.  
  
"Well, in that case..." I thought for a second, "In that case I want you to say it."  
  
"Say what?" She sounded like I had only a few moments earlier - monosyllabic and bewildered.  
  
"Say why I was in hospital. Just say it because I sure as hell can't and I need you to. Tell me that's why you were concerned. I need you to be honest too," I added.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really really."  
  
Lily took a deep breath before fixing me once more with her calm eyes. As the opened her mouth the words came awkwardly at first before tumbling out as if down a vast waterfall.  
  
"You were in hospital because... because you tried to commit suicide. And I thought you were going to die. And I thought that you believed there was nothing left for you to live for," She bit her lip and a single crystal tear rolled from her eye, "And I wanted you to know... I wanted to tell you... to live for me."  
  
I swallowed away the lump that had formed in my throat.  
  
"I didn't want to go, Lily."  
  
"I know... but you nearly did."  
  
I leaned forward and kissed her softly on her trembling lips. "I'm sorry. If I had stopped to think for one second about what I would've lost it never would've happened. I can't always cope with stuff on my own, you see."  
  
"I know. But you don't have to be alone. I'll be here. If you think you can cope with my stuff. If you want me."  
  
"I want you," I said simply, whispering even though there was probably no one else around to over hear us. I tightened my arms around her and it felt as though a huge weight had suddenly been taken off me - an enormous marble block that I had been carrying around for years and years. "I want you."  
  
"I want you too," came her murmured reply before she pulled me back and kissed me sweetly. I could taste her drink from earlier and feel her slightly dry lips against my own. I breathed into her velvety mane of hair. Its specific aroma enveloped me. Even today, after years and years, I can still vividly smell her hair. It was one of those comforting scents, like the baking smell of my grandmother Harriet's kitchen that I remembered from my childhood.  
  
I don't know how long we stayed there - together - and it was much darker by the time we reached the foot of the girl's dormitory staircase in Gryffindor tower.  
  
She turned round, a gentle smile on her lips, and she kissed me. Once, twice, three times. Each time I wished we could remain like that forever. I could barely believe it was real, but it was. The curve of her spine, the feel of her hips pressed against me, her heart beating in time to mine, her elegant piano-fingered hands woven into my hair. All real and wonderfully wonderful in its half-familiar simplicity.  
  
We broke apart and rested our foreheads against each other, grinning like... well, like lovesick teenagers (obviously one stereotype that held some truth).  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" Lily said, caressing my cheek. I nodded and planted a chaste kiss on the end of her nose. "Goodnight," she murmured.  
  
"Sweet dreams, Lily."  
  
A/N  
  
Thank you my darlings! Sorry (as always) for the huge delay in this chapter. Don't forget to review!!!  
  
Thanks mostly to:  
  
brettley – this was as soon an update as I could manage!  
  
child-of-scorpio – please don't use the axe!!!  
  
Six83 – Maybe he does meet her, maybe he doesn't... You'll have to keep reading, won't you?!  
  
Polkat – another fluff-ish chapter, I think. And I am still not scary!  
  
Captain Oblivious – thank you loyal reviewer! I don't think you'll manage to pry Sirius from Remus, sorry! But MAYBE I'll try and write a 'straight Sirius story' just to see how it would turn out  
  
Hannah7 – Thank you as always and the second I have posted this chapter I will be reviewing yours (even though I've already read it). I think I might post Too Much Two Tone this week but you'll have to help me advertise it(!)  
  
SaMBraT – Am working on your green eggs and ham...!  
  
Ophelia Solheim – I am flattered beyond all belief, though I apologise for the R/S. It's just a thing of mine and a fellow writer's... I hope you'll keep reading despite that!  
  
TO ALL READERS: IT HAS BEEN CLINICALLY PROVEN TO BE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH TO SUBMIT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF REVIEWS TO L/J FANFICS. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE. 


	12. Quidditch & Silencing Charms

Two months later...

"AND, AT LAST, WE HAVE REACHED THE FINAL GAME OF THE SEASON!"

Sirius' loud voice boomed out over the Quidditch pitch followed by the whoops and cheers from the crowd outside.

I looked at the floor, butterflies battling nervously in my stomach and my Silver Arrow 5000 clasped tightly in my fist. I was stood in one of the Gryffindor stands and above the ceiling I could hear the hollers and chants of my house mates all waiting for the match to begin.

"IT'S THE ONE WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!" came Padfoot's voice again, "SLYTHERIN!" A huge roar of approval issued from the opposite side of the pitch, accompanied by boos from overhead, "VERSUS... GRYFFINDOR!"

Although I knew the green-clad section across from me would be seething, I couldn't hear even the slightest hiss over the screams that issued above. Those damn butterflies started playing havoc in my belly and I ruffled my hair nervously.

This was the one match that mattered.

Lucius Malfoy played as Chaser on the Slytherin team and, ever since we had been selected to play for our houses in second year, we had marked each other. He was tough - no doubt about it - but there was just one small problem for him: my ego.

Don't think I still have an ego problem or anything, it's no longer (I believe) a 'problem'. It's just my ego will not allow someone who I detest with the heat of the flames that feed the fires of Hell - deep breath - to beat me. Simple as that. So, for the past five years of Slytherin versus Gryffindor, my ego has been perfectly content. But each year it starts to get restless...

"MAY I NOW, PROUDLY, PRESENT THE TEAMS!" The familiar voice brought me crashing fast down to reality and I felt the sudden pumping of blood in my ears.

"Okay, team!" I turned to the six other faces behind me, "This is it - the big game. Now, we've done great this year and I am," I paused to search for the words as I looked into each pair of eyes, "I am so proud to have spent my last year at Hogwarts captaining you all. Each one of you has proved yourself to be a fine Quidditch player in your own right. But, more importantly, you have proved yourselves to be the best goddamn team in this school!

Am I right?" I yelled, pointing at them all forcefully.

"YEAH!" came the bellow back at me, fists punching the air.

"Are we gonna win?"

"YEAH!"

"Are you ready?

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!"

"Let's go then!" I mounted my broom, kicking my leg over the handle and then zooming out to the roar of the crowd.

"AND HERE COMES THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM! LONGBOTTOM - NICHOLSON - LEE - PATIL - BELL - WOOD AAAAAAAAND POTTER!!!"

We burst out of the stand, scarlet robes billowing and the bright sun burning down onto our backs. The crowd was going wild as we made a rapid circuit of the stadium, zooming high above pitch - caught in a fleeting memory between verdant green grass and the clear azure of the sky.

Concluding this swooping circle, the team settled into position and I flew forward to shake the hand of Slytherin's seeker, Slyvia Zabini, a slight blonde girl with piercing golden eyes that burned like the rays of the sun itself in her bloodless face. Her cold hand was slack in mine, her gaze penetrated my own in a silent battle of nerves.

Madam Hooch kicked open the crate that held the four balls on the ground below - I saw the flitting Golden Snitch dash out and then spin off into the air, the two Bludgers rose high above all the players and lay in wait for the game to start. The red quaffle was caught in the crook of the Quidditch mistress' arm.

Raising the glittering silver whistle to her lips, Hooch glanced left - right - and then a shrill shriek issued from her mouth.

The game had begun!

I dashed forward, urging my broom on, as the scarlet ball was tossed into the air. Around me a flurry of activity - beaters already whacking at the attacking bludgers, seekers zooming high above in search for the snitch, my fellow chasers spacing out.

As if in slow motion, I watched the quaffle rise in the air and then fall gracefully down, down, down. My hand - half-unconsciously - reached out and grabbed it before Zabini even got a look in.

And then I was off... I swerved through the defending chasers, passing to Frank Longbottom who had to duck an oncoming bludger before throwing it in a curved arc to Ahmed Patil, a tall Asian boy with corn-rows (often done in extravagant patterns that could only be magical). Ahmed, finding himself faced with both the Slytherin beaters, swerved, ducked and launched the ball at me.

Grabbing it by the tips of my fingers (I heard a snarl of anger from Slyvia behind me as her long taloned fingernails had been inches from grasping it for Slytherin). A dry, satisfied smile briefly crossed my lips as I sped rapidly away from her, I raised the quaffle and, dodging the Keeper (a third year who, in my opinion, had a nasty habit of flying forwards when on the defensive), hurled the crimson globe straight into the centre hoop.

"AND IT'S 10-0 TO GRYFFINDOR! SCORED BY POTTER, NOW THE OFFICIAL TOP SCORER OF THIS YEAR AND, I'M CURRENTLY BEING TOLD," McGonagall was excitedly whispering the Padfoot's ear, "FOR THE PAST ONE HUNDRED YEARS! GO JAMESIE!!!"

The last comment made me grin even harder as the Slytherin keeper threw the Quaffle to his team mate.

It was a magnificent game. For both sides, although I felt Gryffindor were definitely superior throughout. What an interesting thing bias is...

The game continued in a similar vein, punctuated by the odd dive by the two seekers for the snitch - each one pulling up empty handed. The score was tugged this way and that, though Slytherin never once took the lead. Each time they equalised we replied with a series of rough attacks breaking into spectacular... well, rather good goals.

The score zoomed up to 90 - 70 to Gryffindor. The crowd was chanting and cheering, heckling the opposition. Sirius' commentary was sparkling as he screamed and gasped with each deft manoeuvre.

Meanwhile I soared around the pitch, the wind in my hair and all of that, y'know. It was exhilarating, each deep, cold breath of rushing air that swooped down into my lungs like a kiss of life. My back was drenched with damp sweat and my hair fell into my eyes every now and then and stuck to my flushed cheeks.

Grabbing the Quaffle out of the air from a smooth pass of Patil's, I let my broom drop suddenly, straight down, accompanied by gasps from the Gryffindor fans. I just grinned and then sped off towards the three golden hoops as both the Slytherin beaters and the crowd struggled to work out my last move... Okay - so I have a habit of getting a bit cocky on the pitch, okay? It's not a crime! I find it hard to deny my own brilliance at times, give me some credit!

Anyway, I crossed the pitch and, signalling to the other two Chasers began to accelerate into the scoring area. The other two settled behind me into a perfect Hawkshead Attacking Formation and I couldn't help but beam - our green clad counterparts were practically miles down the pitch and only their goalkeeper, looking like he'd just swallowed a whole barrel of gillyweed.

Drawing back my arm, Frank and Ahmed spread out to cover each side from the chasing opposition, I fixed my eyes onto the Keeper. I saw his eyes dart left - right - left - right. With the strongest throw I could muster I launched the red orb straight over the head of the third year as he flailed wildly at the air.

Almost in slow motion I saw the ball heading towards the hoop... it was going to miss... it was going to miss. I grabbed my broom's handle and, the other team bearing down towards me, I willed myself forward.

"COME ON!" I yelled, half to myself, "MOVE!"

The Quaffle rebounded off the golden bar and, making possibly the quickest decision in my entire life up until that point, I drew the rear of the broom back and battered the scarlet ball back towards the hoop...

The crowd went wild.

"YEEEEEES!" I screamed, punching the air, as three sections of the stadium lept up - red, yellow and blue - and roared applause.

Before anything else could happen the two Seekers who had been hovering several feet above our heads rushed into a steep downwards dive. Lauren Lee, the slim Gryffindor Seeker, was in front, her hair whipping behind her into the Slytherin's eyes.

Both teams halted, our eyes following the downward spiral of the two Seekers, the golden Snitch glittering deliciously just a foot or two from Lauren's nose. The entire stadium jumped to their feet, desperately cheering on their Seeker.

I saw Lauren's hand dart out suddenly and she flung herself down nearly the whole length of her broom, her knees holding onto the very end. Her fingers closed tightly, knuckles whitening, over the flapping gold ball and she pulled herself up from the dive, fist high above her head to the screams of Gryffindor house and team.

Twisting round on the broom, Ahmed, Frank and I zoomed up towards her joined by the other three team mates and we all crashed into a fourteen armed hug as we sank slowly to the pitch.

"WE'VE WON! WE DID IT! WE WON!" We shrieked deliriously. Our feet touched the ground and we sprang apart as the crowd flooded onto the pitch. Looking around, semi-dazed, I saw a hundred of so bodies rushing towards us.

"JAMES!" came a familiar voice from somewhere and Lily appeared, a Gryffindor scarf wrapped round her neck and her hair shining a burnt red against the crimson wool. I beamed and, dropping my precious broomstick to the ground, swept her up into my arms. Her arms tightened round my waist as I spun her round and round, in a dizzy, flame coloured whirlpool.

"WE DID IT, LIL! WE DID IT!" I laughed, pulling her closer to my chest. She grinned widely and wove her fingers into my hair - despite the state it was in - and kissed me firmly on the mouth, sweet and searing.

"Congratulations, captain," she murmured against my cheek as we pulled back, "Don't you need to go and get your trophy?"

"Nah," I whispered, "Who needs a big shiny cup when I have you!"

"James Potter," she kissed me again, slightly biting on my lower lip, "Go and get the damn trophy!" She swatted at my shoulder as I returned her softly to the ground and passed my broom to her from by my feet.

"Hold me broom, love."

I dashed towards the teachers stand and running through a crowd of pats on the back and clapping, I hurried up the steps to join the rest of the Gryffindor team.

"Ah, James!" Professor Dumbledore smiled and gave me a brief, knowing wink that made the rest of the team snigger at my red face. The headmaster turned to the crowd, now gathered on the pitch.

"Pupils of Hogwarts!" began the old wizard, "after a most sensational match between Slytherin and Gryffindor, it gives me great pleasure to present this trophy to the Gryffindor captain and Head Boy, in his seventh and final year, to James Potter!"

Stepping forward, I took the cups' two handle from Dumbledore, the Hogwarts crest entwined with capital 'Q' and broomstick. For a few seconds I gazed at it and then turned and raised it high above my head, with the widest smile ever on my face as the crowd whooped and hollered, clapping like maniacs as I passed it to Lauren on the left and applauded each member of the team in turn.

"And that," proclaimed Dumbledore, "is that! Now I order you to return to you Common rooms. I'm sure the Gryffindors have a wonderful secret party prepared already that most certainly will not keep them up all night!"

Bursting into the Common Room, still in our Quidditch kit and probably smelling like God-knows-what, the whole tower was filled with raucous singing. Tables were buckling under pints of Butterbeer and plates of food graciously provided by the kitchen's house elves.

Everyone was recounting the game and joking about the Slytherin side, although to be fair, they did put up a good fight.

I was sat on one of the squashy red couches in front of the fireplace with the four Marauders and many other pupils scattered across chairs and the rug. Occasionally I glanced over at Lily who was dancing wildly with some of the seventh year girls; she looked as though she was having fun so I left her to it.

For nearly two hours I sat there on the sofa talking animatedly with everyone until I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. Turning round I saw Lily had finished dancing and, saying nothing, she beckoned me away from my seat.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," I stood up to several wolf whistles and a lot of nudging from Sirius and Peter, "I'll be right back."

"Oh no, you won't!" said Lily, taking my hand in hers and led me away, to where everyone was dancing, as I looked back at the guys and shrugged nonchalantly but with a sanguine smirk on my face at their half-shocked, half-amused faces.

"James is getting lucky!" yelled Peter behind me, causing a burst of loud laughter from the others with him.

"Are you really?" teased Lily as she wrapped her arms around me, "Getting lucky - I wasn't consulted on that one..."

I grinned down at her and then, catching one of her arms, spun her round in time to the music. She raised an eyebrow and then leaning in to whisper in my ear said, quite casually, "I kinda like this uniform thing, y'know."

"You serious?"

"Ooh, yes. Very serious."

"You got a uniform fetish or something?" I chuckled.

"No, just a 'James in his Quidditch robes' fetish," she grinned evilly and did that hip grindy thing. I bit down hard on my lip...

"Lil, don't..."

"Don't what? Do this?" She did it again and I nodded desperately and hid my face in her hair. "You smell kinda gross though." She wrinkled her nose.

"I guess you're right. 'Fraid the uniform's gotta go, I'll take a shower," I kissed her on the nose and her arms unravelled from me to trail a single finger down my cheek, "Wanna join me?" I teased.

"Well, if you insist..." she said and started off toward the dormitory stairs. I gawped after her. She stopped at the foot of the boys' staircase to glance back at me, that wicked smile on her face again, before very deliberately making her way up towards my dorm.

For a moment, I stood, mouth hanging open, as she disappeared up the steps. Then hormones took over and I practically bolted across the room... What do you think I am? Stupid?

Okay, before you start preaching - nothing happened. I mean, come on, we'd been seeing each other for barely two months, and although I won't deny the offer was more than tempting, I wasn't about to leap into a shower with some girl!

As I showered Lily sat outside in the dorm room. I heard her put some music on and when I came out of the bathroom, hair damp and wearing a baggy t-shirt and jeans, she was sitting quite contentedly on my bed, leafing through my record collection.

"These are all wizarding groups!" she whined, scrunching her nose up.

"That would be because I'm a wizard," I said slowly, "It's not as though I even have access to Muggle music. Besides, I like my wizarding music thank you very much, Miss Evans." I snatched my records off her and tried to look offended.

"Aaw, you great prat!" She said and hugged me, lacing her fingers through mine, "I don't care if you listen to crap music. I can change that."

"I don't listen to crap music! I happen to think myself as something of a musical connoisseur, for your information. Am something of an expert, me! I have trained and honed many of my fellow Gryffindor's tastes to meet with specific guidelines that - " She kissed me, "- were devised by the Ministry - of Magic themselves - to nurture magical finesse, I'll - have you know." At each gap she kissed me again, breaking up my sentence. Apart from anything else, it was quite hard to continue without laughing.

"James, shut up."

"No, I still need to tell you about some of the rap groups secretly formed by Unspeakables in our very own Ministry... did you know that rap music was in fact created by young wizards and their homies in the back streets of Ipswich?"

Lily laughed as I grinned down at her.

"You are truly adorable, James Potter."

"I know, but tell me again, will you?" I kissed the end of her nose. A few months ago I have longed to be able to do such a simple thing as that and now it was real... almost a dream come true... I was the luckiest guy in the world as far as I was concerned. She rolled over on my bed, leaning on her elbows and smiled secretly at me.

"I'd better be going to bed, James."

"You can stay if you want." The words burst out of my mouth before I could even stop them. She looked at me, her expression a mixture of surprise and confusion. "I- I - I mean to sleep. Just," I added quickly, seeing her brows crease, "To sleep."

For a few moments she was silent before she stood up from the bed, still clasping my fingers in her hand.

"Can I borrow a t-shirt to sleep in?"

"Top drawer on the left." I pointed, a grin cracking undetected over my face.

Letting go of my hand she seemed to glide across the room, pulling a white t-shirt from my drawer as she passed and closed the bathroom door behind her.

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! My brain thought. Are you seriously suggesting that you have enough control over your hormone levels to let her stay the night?! And what about the other guys?

Thinking rapidly I dashed downstairs to the Common Room where the party was still in full swing. I stopped to debate for a second before making my way towards Remus.

"Moony," I muttered pulling him away from the small group of people he was talking to, "I need to know a spell."

"Which one?" he mumbled through a mouthful of custard creams, wiping crumbes away from his mouth with the back of his hand.

Taking a deep breath I said quickly, "The one you and Sirius use to keep the dormitory quiet when you think no one else knows what you're up to."

For a moment he choked on his biscuit, sputtering slightly and I thumped him on the back a couple of times before he regained his composure. He stared at me, eyes wide as saucers.

"How'd you - ?"

"Oh, come of it, I'm not stupid just vaguely disturbed I'm having to ask my gay friend for it."

"And which spell - ?"

"The silencing charm, just for my bed. No other... ahem, spells please."

"Are you and Lily - ?"

"NO!" I exclaimed a little loudly than needed causing several people to look around at our muted conversation. "No, she's just staying the night, okay?"

"Okay it's _silencio _, indicate the hangings."

"Thanks mate!" I clapped him on the shoulder and turned to sprint back upstairs.

"Oh, James!" He called after me, "Just in case the spell's _tutela omnis_ !"

My face flamed crimson as I saw him wink at me before returning to the throngs of the party. Unconsciously my right hand formed a fist and I tried to use my lazor vision to burn a hole in the back of his head. It took a while to realise that I did not really have lazor vision, which I guess for Remus was probably a blessing.

Stomping back into my room, I saw Lily had already climbed into my bed. Under my sheets. Oh no...

Taking another of many deep breaths I walked over, closing the dorm door behind me. Lily looked up from my copy of Quidditch Through The Ages she'd been reading.

"Hey, where'd you go?" She said.

"Just had to check something quickly with Remus." I stammered.

She sat up, dropping my book on the bedside table. "James, honey, are you okay?" She looked concerned. I nodded. "Are you gonna sleep in those jeans?" She wrinkled her nose slightly.

"Erm... um... well, no. But I don't really have proper sleeping stuff."

She got up flinging the sheets and eiderdown back and stood up, exposing her pale legs and brightly painted toenails. I swallowed.

"I think you're tired, sweetheart. Come here." Lily pulled me to her and reached up her hands to remove my glasses. She placed them onto of the green leather Quidditch book, the frames folded neatly together. To my surprise to curled her fingers under the hem of my t-shirt and in one movement pulled it off my head. I gaped at her and she suddenly stopped as if she realised something important.

Looking up at me, she smoothed her hand down from my collarbone to cross my abdomen and then round to the small of my back. Her hand was cool but my skin seemed to burn where she'd touch it. I grabbed her lips with mine, kissing her, pulling her closer to place her other hand on me. I could feel her warmth through my thin t-shirt on her back. She undid the button on my jeans and I felt her hesitate as she pushed them down to my hip bones.

Breaking the kiss I tipped her face to me, "Just to sleep." I whispered and she nodded back, smiling gently.

I took the remainder of my clothes off myself and crawled into my bed next to Lily. A swish-and-flick shut the curtains around my bed. I curled my arms around Lily's small frame.

"Do remember last time we did this?" I murmured, "In the Head Student's Lounge?"

"Uh huh," she mumbled, her face snuggled half into my shoulder and half into my pillow.

"I had no idea where to put my hands! I reckoned you'd have slapped me!"

"Oh definitely and I'll slap you in a minute if you don't let me sleep."

I lay in the darkness quietly for a few moments. I was still wide awake and buzzing from Quidditch.

"Lily?" I whispered.

"She's asleep."

"No, sh – you're not!"

"Potter....!"

**A/N**

**Well, that was an odd chapter I thought. But I wanted to try writing a Quidditch match... Hmm, the next one will be better. I'm thinking planning for the Leavers Ball, mock exams, more on family life for the duo and (drum roll).... lots of fluff! Yay!**

**Thank you as always to my loyal reviewers and all the people who have put me on Author Alert – I love you!!! Please keep reviewing!**

**child-of-scorpio: I got your review literally ten minutes after I posted the damn thing! I nearly fell out my chair! Thank you so much – your review made me laugh (once I had recovered from the near fall... it's a long way down)**

**Hannah7: I haven't heard from you for aaaaaages! Are you okay?! Thank you as always and I need more Falling pretty please!! Haha!**

**Six83: Maybe... just maybe... you'll find out a bit about James' mother... but it's only a maybe(!)**

**Shoved Offspoon**

**Spikora **

**brettley**

**Fanciful Sovereign**

**Writergirl709**

**Polkat: Am not weird. You're weird... Pornish Pixies, I ask you....**

**Captain Oblivious: More L/J goodness for you (it's up there in case you missed it)! One thing – glomp? What's that? It sounds fun – I wanna join in!**

**siriusforeva**


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